Opposites Attract: But Is It Healthy?

Katherine and Conner met at a small church event. From the moment they exchanged glances, there was an undeniable spark. Katherine admired Conner’s confidence and decisiveness, while Conner was drawn to Katherine’s warmth and empathy. To them, it felt obvious that they were meant for each other. But over time, they discovered that the qualities that initially attracted them were the very ones that caused tension.

Katherine loved order and planning, while Conner thrived on spontaneity and unpredictability. At first, it felt exciting, like opposites were balancing each other, but gradually frustration and resentment grew. Katherine felt she was always trying to “keep Conner in line,” while Conner felt controlled and stifled.

This scenario is familiar to many people and offers an important lesson for those who are single and discerning a future life partner. Attraction can be immediate and intense, but it does not always indicate compatibility or long-term relational health.

The following blog speaks directly to individuals who have not yet chosen a spouse and want to do so with wisdom, clarity, and health. If you are already married but recognize your relationship in this blog, it may help you understand how you arrived at your current dynamic. However, we understand that insight alone is rarely enough to repair entrenched patterns. Couples in this position typically need intentional marriage and individual counseling. Boundless Hope offers structured support that can address imbalance and rebuild health.

The Myth of “Opposites Attract”

Many people have heard the phrase opposites attract. It suggests that two people with very different strengths and weaknesses can come together and create balance in a relationship. While this idea may seem appealing, research and clinical experience show that it often leads to unhealthy dynamics rather than true partnership.

Pairing people based on extreme differences frequently creates power imbalances. One person becomes the primary source of stability, responsibility, and emotional regulation. The other may rely on them to compensate for immaturity or lack of self-awareness. In these situations, dependence can replace partnership, and imbalance can feel normal because the relationship appears functional on the surface.

For someone who is dating or considering marriage, this is a critical distinction. What feels like excitement or chemistry early on may actually be a familiar dynamic rooted in imbalance. Without intentional discernment, these patterns often solidify rather than resolve.

In Katherine and Conner’s story, Conner’s spontaneous nature initially seemed exciting to Katherine. Over time, however, daily responsibilities, financial planning, and emotional labor fell primarily on her. The imbalance became apparent only after commitment had already deepened. Neither partner was functioning from a place of full self-accountability, and the relationship devolved into tension and frustration.

Christian Teachings and the Helpmate Misunderstanding

Christian culture often teaches that women should be supportive and submit to their husbands, and that men should lead and protect their wives. Scripture passages such as Ephesians 5 are frequently interpreted to suggest that a spouse should provide strength for the other or compensate for their weaknesses.

When single Christians absorb this message without nuance, it can lead them to choose partners based on potential rather than present health. They may believe that marriage itself will mature a partner or that love requires enduring imbalance.

While these teachings are well-intentioned, they can be misapplied in ways that promote dependency rather than accountability. If one partner relies on the other to manage emotional regulation, morality, or personal growth, the relationship is no longer built on mutual health. Both partners must be responsible for themselves before a partnership can be truly equal and thriving.

True biblical love calls for mutual submission rooted in respect, and both partners are accountable for their own hearts and actions. Misinterpreting submission or complementarianism as an expectation to “carry” a partner’s weaknesses can lead to imbalance, resentment, and unmet expectations.

Why Opposites Often End Up Together

Empirical evidence and clinical experience suggest a pattern: people capable of healthy relationships often end up with partners who are emotionally immature or unaccountable. Several factors contribute to this:

• People with empathy, self-awareness, and strong relational skills are often drawn to partners who are struggling or emotionally unavailable.

• Past trauma or learned family patterns can unconsciously lead someone to select partners who mirror familiar dynamics, even if they are unhealthy.

• The capacity for tolerance and understanding can unintentionally enable partners to avoid growth or accountability.

For single individuals, this pattern can create discouragement or the false belief that healthy partners do not exist. The reality is that healthy individuals do exist, but they are often overlooked when someone is accustomed to relational imbalance. Self-awareness and healing are required to recognize and engage with a truly healthy partner.

Health Before Partnership

A core principle in relationship counseling is that individual health precedes relational health. Marriage does not create emotional maturity, self-regulation, or accountability. It reveals what is already present. Couples cannot build a mutually fulfilling partnership if either person relies on the other to provide emotional stability, moral guidance, or identity reinforcement.

Before entering a committed relationship, each person should be able to:

• Take responsibility for their own emotions and behaviors

• Maintain boundaries and self-respect even in conflict

• Address unresolved trauma and personal growth needs independently

When both partners operate from a baseline of emotional health, accountability, and self-sufficiency, the relationship benefits include:

• Equal power dynamics

• Mutual respect and validation

• Shared responsibility for problem-solving and conflict resolution

• Emotional resilience and sustainable growth

Katherine and Conner’s story illustrates why this matters. Only when both partners take responsibility for their own strengths and weaknesses can their differences complement rather than compete. The goal is balance and mutual growth, not compensating for the other person’s gaps.

The Danger of Rushing or Settling

God created us to crave companionship, intimacy, and partnership. During adolescence and young adulthood, those longings are amplified by powerful emotions and neurochemical reactions that make romantic connections feel urgent, consuming, and deeply meaningful. At the same time, childhood wounds, attachment patterns, and unhealed pain quietly shape who we are drawn to and why, often intensifying bonds before discernment has had time to form.

Fear of loneliness, cultural pressure, and spiritual misunderstanding can lead people to enter committed relationships before the necessary personal healing has taken place. In many faith communities, individuals are taught, explicitly or implicitly, that marriage is the primary context for growth or that personal weaknesses will be balanced by another person. Some are even told that healing or maturity can only occur within marriage.

That belief is not true.

While marriage can be a place of profound growth, God is fully capable of bringing an individual to a place of health while they are single. He is not limited by marital status, and personal wholeness does not require a spouse. When pressure to commit replaces discernment, relationships are often asked to carry weight they were never designed to hold. When individuals rush into partnership believing another person will compensate for what is lacking, the result is frequently imbalance rather than mutuality. In fact, rushing or settling can lead to:

• Enabling dysfunction in a partner

• Creating unhealthy dependency patterns

• Masking unresolved trauma

• Allowing manipulation or abuse to take root

What may feel like spiritual obedience or romantic intensity can quietly become avoidance of the deeper work God is inviting someone to do. Deliberate healing and self-work are not optional steps. They are critical foundations for relationships that reflect biblical principles of love, respect, and mutual care. Healthy partnership is built not on urgency or fear, but on freedom, responsibility, and maturity cultivated before commitment.

The Scriptural Perspective on Accountability

True biblical love does not require one partner to carry the weight of the other’s emotional or moral shortcomings. Scripture teaches that each person is responsible for their own heart and actions.

• Galatians 6:5 states that each person should carry their own load, highlighting the importance of personal responsibility

• Proverbs 4 emphasizes guarding one’s own heart and pursuing wisdom, rather than relying on another to provide moral guidance

• Ephesians 5 calls for mutual submission rooted in respect, which presupposes both partners are accountable and mature

When Christian beliefs about being a helpmate are interpreted as compensating for another’s lack of health, the result is imbalance rather than unity. The healthiest biblical framework assumes two accountable individuals choosing partnership and alignment, not rescue.

Practical Guidance for Building Healthy Relationships

There are many expressions of healthy relationships. The following four principles support wise discernment:

1. Prioritize personal growth first

• Engage in individual counseling, mentorship, and spiritual formation

• Address unresolved trauma and cultivate self-awareness

2. Seek accountability, not rescue

• Avoid choosing partners who require fixing or constant guidance

• Look for partners who can manage their own emotions and responsibilities

3. Evaluate compatibility beyond opposites

• Shared values, emotional maturity, and mutual respect outweigh differences in habits or personality extremes

• Avoid relationships where differences create ongoing tension rather than complementary growth

4. Recognize red flags early

• Manipulative language, subtle shaming, defensiveness, and avoidance of accountability indicate relational immaturity

• Love should not produce shame, fear, or confusion

Prioritize Your Personal Mental Health 

Opposites attracting may feel romantic, but it often reflects imbalance, dependency, and relational immaturity. A truly healthy partnership arises when two people are whole, accountable, and self-aware. In these relationships, love is built on mutual respect, equality, and shared growth, reflecting the biblical call to be fully responsible for one’s own heart and actions.

For those who are single, healing and accountability are not delays to love; they are preparation for it. When two people bring their healthy selves to a relationship, partnership becomes a source of spiritual and emotional growth rather than reliance or rescue. Individual counseling benefits everyone, regardless of their future relationship status.

For those who are engaged, engagement is not simply a countdown to a wedding day; it is a critical season for discernment, honesty, and growth. This is the time to slow down rather than rush forward, to examine patterns, expectations, and areas of imbalance with clarity and courage. Premarital counseling can help couples identify unhealthy dynamics early, strengthen accountability, and establish a foundation built on mutual responsibility rather than assumption or avoidance.

For those who are married, very few people enter adulthood without wounds, blind spots, or unexamined patterns. Most couples did not choose one another with full awareness of how past relationships, family dynamics, trauma, or learned survival strategies shaped their attachment and expectations. That does not mean your marriage is doomed, nor does it mean you chose wrongly. It means you are human. Both inidividual and marriage counseling can help you thrive.

Boundless Hope is committed to walking with individuals and couples at every age and stage of their life journey. Through counseling and guidance, we believe people can grow in self-awareness, healing, and responsibility, and that even long-standing patterns can be transformed. Healthy, balanced, and enduring partnerships are possible.

The Measure We Use: How Jesus, Neuroscience, and Compassion Teach Us to Heal the Judgment Within

Did you know your thoughts and perceptions can create measurable physical changes in your body?

In a recent Harvard study, researchers found that the way a person interprets an experience can alter cortisol levels, immune function, cardiovascular health, and the brain’s threat response. In other words, what we believe about ourselves and others is not invisible or inconsequential. It becomes part of our physiology.

This insight is not new to Scripture. Jesus named this long before modern science discovered it. In Matthew chapter 7, He says, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Many of us have only heard this taught in a warning tone. You may have taken away the message, "Do not judge others or God will judge you. Be careful or you will get what is coming to you." Over time this creates fear, shame, and the belief that God’s posture toward us is conditional, condemning, and severe.

At Boundless Hope Christian Clinical Counseling, we believe Jesus was doing something far more pastoral. His words describe the natural relationship between judgment and suffering, mercy and healing, and the spiritual ecosystem of the human heart. When we look closer, both Scripture and science reveal a truth that lifts shame rather than adds to it.

The standard we use in assessing others often becomes the standard we live under when we regard ourselves. And the expectations we have of ourselves can become the expectations we project onto others.

This frequent correlation is not simply sin or a sign of weak faith. It is how the brain and nervous system adapt in a fallen and hurting world. Thankfully, it is also the very place where God’s grace begins to heal us.

A Pastoral Reading of Jesus’s Words

In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus is speaking to people who carried heavy burdens. Many lived under strict religious pressure. Many feared they could never be enough. The last thing Jesus wants to do is add more weight to their shoulders. His teachings are not punitive. They are descriptive, revealing how the inner life works.

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged.

With the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Rather than reading this as a threat, we can hear it as a loving observation. Jesus knows that when we walk through life with a harsh, critical, or suspicious posture toward others, our inner world becomes shaped by that same posture. Judgment outward becomes judgment inward. Condemnation outward becomes condemnation inward. Our bodies, our relationships, and even our relationship with God begin to reflect the internal environment we have absorbed.

• Mercy outward becomes mercy inward.

• Humility breeds humility.

• Grace breeds grace.

The glasses we use to view others become the lenses that distort our view of ourselves.

What if Jesus is not warning us as if the solution is to stop judging through sheer willpower? What if He is naming the cycle of pain and saying there is a better way? What if His tone is the tone of a healer who sees people harming themselves with patterns they never consciously chose?

Science Names the Same Reality Jesus Described

Modern neuroscience confirms the wisdom of Jesus. Studies from Harvard, Stanford, and other major research institutions show that self-criticism activates the same threat circuits in the brain that fire when a person is in physical danger. The body does not distinguish sharply between external threat and internal threat. Harsh self-talk increases stress hormones, weakens the immune system, and keeps the nervous system in a state of vigilance.

Self-judgment is not just emotional discomfort. It is a physiological event.

Research also shows that compassion has the opposite effect. Compassion, whether directed toward oneself or toward someone else, activates the parasympathetic nervous system, increases emotional regulation, and shifts the body into a state of safety. The brain regions responsible for empathy and connection strengthen and become more accessible.

• Compassion toward ourselves strengthens compassion toward others.

• Compassion toward others strengthens compassion toward ourselves.

• Judgment toward ourselves increases judgment toward others.

• Judgment toward others increases judgment toward ourselves.

The human brain does not split these two worlds apart. It is one integrated system. The more we practice mercy in any direction, the more our whole internal world is shaped by mercy. The more we practice harshness in any direction, the more our whole internal world is shaped by harshness. Jesus was not simply giving moral instruction. He was describing how human beings are built.

You Didn’t Start the Fire

The Judgment In You Did Not Start With You

At Boundless Hope we want to speak directly into the place where many people feel shame. Self-judgment does not begin with personal weakness. It begins in the environments that shaped us. Children learn to survive based on how they were treated. And all parents were themselves children at one point:

• When love was conditional, they learned to monitor themselves constantly.

• When mistakes were met with shame or anger, they learned to expect criticism.

• When caregivers were harsh with themselves, children absorbed that pattern into their own identity.

Self-judgment is almost always inherited or learned long before we had language to describe it. These inner voices are not moral failures. They are adaptations that helped us make sense of unsafe or unpredictable environments. They are signs that the nervous system tried to protect us.

• If you lived under criticism, your internal voice may have become critical.

• If you lived around fear, your internal voice may have become fearful.

• If you lived around judgment, your internal voice may have become judging.

But this is not the same as identity. You are not the voice that condemns you. You are the one who is hurting beneath it. And God meets us there with tenderness, not with more judgment.

Jesus Came to Rescue Us From This Cycle

Scripture is clear that Jesus did not come to condemn the world. He came to save it. His mission includes rescuing us from the internal systems of condemnation that keep us stuck in cycles of shame and fear.

Shame insists that self-judgment will make us lovable.
Jesus insists that love transforms us.

Shame says we must earn grace.
Jesus gives grace freely and lets it heal us.

Shame says God is disappointed.
Jesus reveals a Father who runs toward His children.

When Jesus says judge not, His words are spoken in the posture of a shepherd protecting His flock from patterns that destroy the soul. He is not reprimanding. He is inviting. He is saying that condemnation creates suffering, and mercy creates healing.

The Measure We Use Measures All

This is the truth Jesus names. It is also reflected in neuroscience. The measure we use outwardly becomes the measure we inhabit inwardly. If we hold suspicion, we live in suspicion. If we hold harshness, we live in harshness. If we extend mercy, we live in mercy.

Jesus’ words are not a ploy to increase spiritual performance. They are education about spiritual reality.

People who have lived for years under internal judgment, shame, or fear are not weak. They are wounded. They have carried internal environments that were shaped by experiences they did not choose. The hopeful news is that gentle, compassionate environments can reshape the heart and the brain. Grace is both spiritual and physiological, creating safety, which precedes growth.

Boundless Hope is a Healing Place

At Boundless Hope Christian Clinical Counseling, we believe healing begins with honest and compassionate connection. Shame cannot survive when a person is met with understanding instead of condemnation. Many people come to us exhausted from their own self-judgment and worried that their struggles will be met with spiritual pressure. Our mission is to offer the opposite.

We help clients explore where their patterns began, how their nervous system learned to survive, and how kindness and grace can begin to reshape those patterns. We offer the space to bring the parts of ourselves that feel unlovable and to watch them be received with gentleness. We walk with people as they discover that judgment never healed anyone, but compassion can transform the entire inner world.

You are not meant to live under the weight of condemnation. You were made for freedom.

Healing Is Possible: Mercy Toward Yourself Is Holy Ground

Many Christians fear that practicing self-compassion is selfish or permissive. Yet Scripture presents compassion as a fruit of spiritual maturity. Jesus teaches that the merciful will receive mercy. Paul teaches that kindness leads us to repentance. Grace is not indulgence. It is healing.

We do not grow in places where we feel condemned.
We grow where we feel seen and safe.

Repentance does not flourish under fear.
Repentance flourishes under love.

Transformation does not happen in shame.
Transformation happens in grace.

Mercy toward ourselves does not excuse wrongdoing. It creates the internal safety needed to acknowledge pain, tell the truth, and embrace the Spirit’s work in our hearts.

A New Way Forward

Imagine reading the words, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” and hearing them as an invitation rather than a threat. Imagine Jesus saying the posture you hold toward others becomes the posture you live under. Come learn a gentler way. Imagine realizing that the self-judgment you carry did not begin with you. It was learned. It was inherited. It had a starting point. And because it had a starting point, it can have an ending point.

Through compassion the brain can heal.
Through grace the nervous system can relearn safety.
Through connection the heart can soften.
Through Jesus the story can be redeemed.

At Boundless Hope we walk with you in this transformation. You do not have to live under the measure that once wounded you. You can choose a new measure. One shaped by the love of God. One shaped by gentleness. One shaped by mercy.

When Two Paths Meet: Using the Enneagram and IFS for Deep Transformation

There are moments in the healing journey when two separate paths unexpectedly converge and offer a way forward that is richer and more grounded than either path alone. For many people, discovering complimentary nature of Internal Family Systems therapy and the Enneagram is one of those moments. Each system offers a unique lens through which we can view our inner world. Together they provide clarity, compassion, and a practical road map for real, embodied change.

If you have already been exploring the Enneagram or are beginning to learn about IFS, you may sense the overlap. You might also have questions. Are they compatible? Do they contradict each other? How can these two frameworks support Christian spiritual formation without replacing it?

We would like to offer an introduction to the ways the Enneagram and Internal Family Systems naturally complement one another. Both give language to the complexities inside us. Both honor the goodness of our design and the pain of our wounds. And both help us move toward wholeness in ways that align beautifully with a Christian view of personhood, grace, and redemption.

What is the Enneagram?

The Enneagram is a map of nine distinct patterns that help explain how different people perceive the world, navigate relationships, and respond to stress. While often misunderstood as a personality test, the Enneagram is better understood as a window into our early survival strategies.

Each of the nine types represents a core way of seeing, reacting, and protecting ourselves that was shaped in childhood. These patterns are intelligent and adaptive. They helped us make sense of a world that did not always feel safe, predictable, or attentive to our needs. Over time, these patterns became familiar and automatic.

The goal of the Enneagram is not to place people into boxes. It is to help us see the box we are already in and to offer pathways out of it. It reveals both our unconscious motivations and the higher, redeemed capacities within us.

What is Internal Family Systems (IFS)?

Internal Family Systems begins with a premise many people intuitively know: within every human being there are multiple parts. These parts carry different emotions, desires, beliefs, and coping strategies.

IFS helps us understand that our anger is a part. Our fear is a part. Our drive to achieve is a part. Our retreat into isolation is a part. Each part longs to protect us in the best way it knows how, even when its strategies create pain or conflict.

At the core of IFS is the belief that underneath all our parts we have something called the Self. This is the God-given center of our being characterized by calmness, clarity, courage, and compassion. The more Self-led we become, the more our parts can relax and stop carrying burdens they were never meant to hold.

Like the Enneagram, IFS understands that our inner world is shaped by both the beauty and brokenness of our stories. And like the Enneagram, it moves us toward freedom through curiosity, kindness, and personal responsibility.

How the Enneagram and IFS Fit Together

Once you understand the basic framework of each system, their compatibility becomes unmistakable. The Enneagram explains why we do what we do. IFS explains who inside us is doing it. Together they allow us to see the shape of our personality and the parts within it that drive our behaviors.

Let us explore the most significant areas of overlap and how this combination can create powerful transformation.

The Enneagram Reveals Patterns

IFS Reveals the Parts Within Those Patterns

Each Enneagram type reflects a survival strategy. Type One learned to be good. Type Two learned to be helpful. Type Three learned to be successful. Type Four learned to be unique. And so on.

IFS would say that within each type live multiple parts working hard to maintain that strategy.

For example:

A Type Six may have a vigilant part that watches for danger, a doubting part that second-guesses decisions, and a loyal part that clings tightly to trusted relationships.

A Type Two may have a pleasing part that scans for the needs of others and a fearful part that worries about losing connection.

A Type Eight may have a protective part that rises quickly with intensity and a younger vulnerable part it is guarding.

The Enneagram identifies the pattern.

IFS identifies the team inside that pattern.

Both perspectives are needed to understand the full picture.

The Enneagram Names Our Core Fear

IFS Helps Us Meet the Fear with Compassion Instead of Shame

We all have core fears, from both nature and nurture. With IFS, we do not shame these fears or try to eliminate them by force. We sit with them, listen to them, and help them unburden what they have been carrying for far too long. This process allows the Enneagram’s insights to move from intellectual awareness to real transformation.

For example:

A Type Three’s fear of worthlessness is held by a part that was once a child who learned that love might be withdrawn when they slowed down.

A Type Four’s fear of being defective belongs to a part that longed to be fully seen and felt invisible.

A Type Nine’s fear of conflict is rooted in a part that once experienced harmony as fragile and connection as conditional.

Each Enneagram type carries a core fear that shapes much of its worldview.

IFS helps us approach that fear with gentleness rather than judgment.

The Enneagram Explains Our Automatic Reactions

IFS Helps Us Slow Them Down

Each Enneagram type has a natural reaction under stress. Those reactions are the parts attempting to protect us. Becoming aware of, and noticing, yours in real time, creates space to make proactive choices. It increases self leadership. And it opens the door for the Spirit of God to minister to us in places that were previously closed off.

IFS helps us pause, notice, and relate to those parts instead of letting them take over.

For example, instead of:

• A Type Eight erupting,

• A Type Two instantly rescuing, or

• A Type Five withdrawing without warning,

IFS gives language to say, “A part of me is activated. I can turn toward it with compassion instead of letting it drive the whole system.”

The Enneagram helps to identify a person’s typical instinctive, self-protective reaction under stress

IFS helps us approach stressed parts with gentleness rather than judgment.

The Enneagram Highlights Our Blind Spots

IFS Creates Safe Internal Dialogue to Explore Them

Every Enneagram type has habitual ways of defending against pain.

• Type Seven distracts.

• Type Four amplifies emotion.

• Type One tightens control.

• Type Five retreats inward.

• Type Three performs.

IFS provides a gentle way to speak to the parts that engage in these defenses. Instead of judging them, we ask,

“What is this part protecting me from?”

“What does it fear would happen if it did not do its job?”

“What does it need from me?”

When we approach our blind spots with curiosity rather than shame, they begin to soften.

Once again, the Enneagram shows us the pattern.

IFS helps us relate to the pattern in a healing way.

Why Christians Can Comfortably Use Both Systems

Both the Enneagram and IFS align with key Christian beliefs about human nature. They assume that people are created with dignity, formed by experience, and capable of growth.

The Enneagram resonates with the biblical theme that humans are shaped by both God’s image and the effects of the Fall. It acknowledges the ways we adapt to survive in a world that does not always reflect the love of God.

IFS reflects the Christian belief that beneath our wounded parts is a core that bears the character of God’s presence. IFS calls it the Self. Scripture describes it as the new creation or the Spirit bearing witness to who we truly are. Both point to the idea that the truest part of us is not our pain or our fear but the divine imprint God placed within us.

Neither system replaces the Gospel. Neither system saves us. They simply give us language for our humanity, our wounds, and the places where God is already at work.

How the Enneagram and IFS Together Support Spiritual Formation

For many people, spiritual formation has been shaped by willpower, self criticism, and attempts to suppress undesirable behaviors. Both IFS and the Enneagram offer a different way. They teach us to approach ourselves the way Jesus approaches people with gentleness, honesty, and compassion.

They help us name what is happening inside

Instead of trying to fix symptoms, we learn to discern the deeper motivations underneath our reactions.

They allow space for the Spirit to minister to our inner world

When we unburden parts of us from fear, shame, or self protection, we become more receptive to God’s presence.

They support relational healing

Understanding our patterns and parts helps us communicate more clearly, create safety, and repair ruptures more quickly.

They nurture humility

Both systems remind us that we are shaped by forces larger than ourselves and that we need grace for our blind spots.

They encourage growth that is practical, not theoretical

Transformation becomes something we practice in daily life: slowing down, noticing parts, grounding in the Self, and choosing new patterns.

Take a Step Toward Change

For those who long to grow but feel stuck, the integration of IFS and the Enneagram offers hope. It provides a clear, compassionate path forward that honors both the past and the present, the heart and the mind, and psychological insight and spiritual depth.

• People who feel misunderstood begin to feel seen.

• People who feel defective begin to understand the wisdom of their parts.

• People who feel overwhelmed begin to find internal clarity.

• People who feel spiritually frustrated begin to experience a more honest connection with God.

The combination of these two frameworks gives individuals a way to make sense of their stories without shame. It shows how our patterns developed, how our parts work to protect us, and how God meets us inside all of it.

This is the kind of work that changes lives in deep, lasting ways.

Be Still

One December morning, Janice sat in her living room, surrounded by ornaments, lights, and the smell of pine from the tree. Everything looked perfect on the surface, but she felt a hollow ache that she could not put into words. She also felt a twing of shame because this was the season that Jesus was born. This was supposed to be a time of celebration and joy. But Janice didn't feel joyful and she didn't know why.

She tried to name it: sadness, loneliness, loss? Nothing fit exactly. Janice found herself holding her breath, stiffening in her chair, trying to force the feelings away because the holidays were supposed to be happy. She decided to simply be still before the LORD.

Without an audible prayer, Janice visualized herself being held to God's chest and felt safe enough to allow herself to simply notice what was there, with no judgment or explanation. 

To her surprise, in time, the feeling began to soften. It was not gone, but it was no longer locked away. That is the power of acknowledging grief.

The holiday season can be magical and joyful, filled with lights, laughter, and traditions we have held close for years. But for many people, the same season can also bring grief, even if we do not have words for it. Perhaps it is the empty chair at the table, a text that goes unanswered, or the sudden ache of memories from holidays past. Perhaps it is the quiet, unnameable sorrow of feeling disconnected from the warmth and connection we long for. The first step toward healing is simple, but powerful: noticing that grief exists and not blocking it.

Grief: The Body’s Truth Waiting to Be Felt

Grief does not always look like tears or wailing. It can be quiet, shapeless, and hard to define. Sometimes it shows up as restlessness, tension in the shoulders, emptiness in the chest, or a gnawing sadness that has no obvious trigger. The body remembers what the mind may not yet have understood. When we ignore these sensations, we inadvertently store them, allowing grief to linger without relief.

Grief is not a problem to fix. It is a natural response to life, love, and loss. Allowing it to surface, even when it feels inconvenient, painful, or uncomfortable, is the first step toward true healing. As difficult as it can feel, simply not blocking our grief can create space for the body, heart, and mind to begin processing what has been held inside.

Embodiment: Allowing the Body to Participate

Embodiment is a concept that might feel foreign, but it is surprisingly simple. It is the practice of letting your body express what it knows without judgment or interference. Most of us learned early to prioritize the mind over the body, intellectualizing emotions and experiences rather than feeling them. We think we're supposed to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. Oftentimes our feelings seem out of control and unholy. Trauma and grief, however, are not sin. And they are stored in the body. They reside in the muscles, the nervous system, the breath, and the subtle tensions we carry daily.

When we allow ourselves to embody grief, we give the body permission to release tension, process emotion, and move energy that has been trapped. Embodiment can be as simple as noticing your posture, softening your shoulders, letting a tear fall, taking a deep breath, rocking gently, or stretching when you feel tight. It can also be integrated with mindful awareness, where we simply observe the sensations rising and falling without trying to control them.

This is not “woo-woo” or unbiblical. It is a recognition that God designed the body to respond, release, and heal. To ignore the body is to ignore part of God’s creation, the vessel through which He experiences, carries, and expresses life with us. If you are experiencing grief this holiday season, we encourage you to let yourself feel what you feel. If this is new to you, it may be helpful to schedule time with one of our clinicians and learn tools and strategies for navigating the physical side of grief in a way that nurtures and supports your body.

Mindfulness: Presence Without Judgment

Mindfulness, at its core, is about presence. It is the act of observing without judgment, resisting neither the emotion nor the sensation. For many Christians, mindfulness may feel unfamiliar or even suspect, but it is not separate from faith. In fact, Psalm 37:7  encourages: "Be still before the LORD."

Mindfulness is the practical expression of being still within God's grace, without assessment or judgment of sin's presence. It is noticing that your chest tightens when you think about a lost loved one, or that your hands tremble when memories of childhood hurt rise up. It is sitting with these sensations and acknowledging them without trying to fix them or push them away. Mindfulness allows grief, embodiment, and the presence of God to intersect. It creates a safe internal environment where the body can release, the heart can soften, and the mind can witness without interference.

Somatic Therapy: Healing Through the Body

For many Christians, anything outside of prayer or Bible study can feel unnecessary or even unsafe. Somatic therapy may sound intimidating, but it is simply a method of helping the body participate in emotional and spiritual healing. Trauma and grief are not only emotional or spiritual experiences; they are physical experiences stored in the nervous system. Consider Psalm 6:6-7 when David says,"I'm wary from groaning all night I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears my eyes fail from grief; they grow dim from all of my foes."

Somatic therapy uses body awareness, breath, movement, and gentle touch to support the nervous system in completing the stress responses it could not finish in the moment of trauma or loss. It is entirely compatible with faith. It does not replace prayer, Scripture, or spiritual reflection. Instead, it complements them. When the body is allowed to release tension, shake, cry, or move naturally, the heart and mind follow. God works through this process, meeting us where we are and helping integrate what has been held inside.

The Intersection of Grief, Embodiment, Mindfulness, and God

Grief is emotional truth. Embodiment allows the body to participate in processing it. Mindfulness creates compassionate awareness. When these three meet, healing begins. And this is where Psalm 46:10 becomes profound: Be still and know that I am God.

Stillness does not mean shutting down emotion or pretending everything is fine. It means allowing the truth of your internal experience to be fully present, knowing that God is near. It is in this stillness that grief can soften, the body can release, and the heart can be held. Being still allows God to meet us in our very real human experience, confirming that we are never alone in our pain or our healing.

Why the Holidays Can Heighten Grief

December and the holiday season can magnify grief because they bring traditions, memories, and expectations into focus. Even people who normally manage well may find themselves overwhelmed by emotion they do not fully understand. Missing loved ones, reflecting on difficult years, or feeling the gap between idealized expectations and current realities can stir grief, sometimes in subtle ways that we cannot immediately name.

Recognizing this is important. You may not have a clear story for what you are feeling. You may not even know if it qualifies as “real” grief. That does not matter. The first step is simply noticing it. Pausing. Allowing the body to move, the heart to feel, and the mind to witness. Letting yourself be present with whatever arises, even if you cannot put it into words, is the beginning of healing.

Practical Steps for Healing During the Holidays

Here are gentle practices you can try, alone or with guidance, to integrate grief, embodiment, mindfulness, and spiritual presence:

• Notice your body: Pay attention to tension, restlessness, or heaviness. Softening the body allows emotion to move.

• Allow the feeling: When grief or sorrow arises, allow it to exist. You do not need to explain or fix it.

• Breathe with intention: Slow, deep breaths signal to the nervous system that it is safe to release.

• Use grounding techniques: Place your hands on your chest or stomach, rock gently, or feel your feet on the floor.

• Journal or speak your truth: Speak aloud or write what you feel without editing.

• Incorporate prayer: Invite God into your stillness. Speak from the heart. Listen. Be open to His presence.

• Move if the body wants to move: Stretch, sway, shake, or pace. Movement helps process emotions physically.

These practices are simple, safe, and effective. They integrate spiritual, emotional, and physical healing without requiring you to be “perfect” in your faith or your process.

Counseling Can Help

Grief, trauma, and emotional overwhelm can feel isolating, especially during the holidays. At Boundless Hope, we offer a range of services to support the whole person:

• Grief therapy to process loss safely

• Trauma therapy for past wounds that continue to affect life today

• Somatic therapy to release stored tension and complete the nervous system’s natural stress responses

• Embodiment practices to reconnect mind, body, and spirit

• Mindfulness integration to remain present and compassionate with yourself

You do not have to navigate grief alone. You do not have to suppress it or pretend it does not exist. Healing begins with noticing, being present, and allowing God to meet you in your heart, mind, and body.

Remember, grief is not weakness. It is a sign that what was lost, what was loved, or what was wounded mattered. Healing is not a linear process, but when grief, embodiment, mindfulness, and God intersect, your nervous system, heart, and spirit can begin to integrate and find relief.

This holiday season, choose to be still. Notice your grief. Let your body feel. Watch your heart soften. Allow God to meet you in your pain and your healing. You are not alone, and healing is possible.

Understanding the Enneagram: A Pathway to Self Awareness, Healing, and Spiritual Growth

Many people have heard of the Enneagram through a brief online quiz, a passing reference in a sermon, or a lighthearted conversation with friends. Yet behind the cultural fascination lies a thoughtful and deeply insightful framework for understanding the deeper motivations that shape our lives. When approached with seriousness, humility, and curiosity, the Enneagram becomes far more than a personality tool. It becomes an invitation into the internal world God tenderly seeks to redeem.

This blog will explore what the Enneagram is, what it is not, how it is often misused, and how Christians can approach it with grounding and discernment. It will also explore why your number does not define you and why patterns matter more than typing. As you read, we hope you notice yourself reflected in certain descriptions, or feel drawn to explore your inner world more deeply. If so, the Enneagram may offer you insights that support your growth.

What is the Enneagram?

The Enneagram is a map of human motivation. It describes nine core pattern structures or types. Each numbered type represents a different way of perceiving the world, seeking safety, and developing identity. Some personality systems focus primarily on outward behaviors; the Enneagram looks beneath the surface to the fears and longings that quietly shape our choices.

From a psychological perspective, the Enneagram highlights the strategies we learned in childhood to survive, belong, and make sense of relational dynamics. For some, this involved striving for perfection or competency. For others, it meant tuning in to the needs of others at the expense of their own. For still others, it meant withdrawing, staying vigilant, or maintaining peace at great personal cost. These patterns began as adaptive strategies. They helped us navigate families that were often loving but imperfect, stressed, inconsistent, or emotionally unpredictable. Over time, these strategies became so familiar that they felt like second nature.

The Enneagram names these strategies with compassion. It does not shame us for the ways we learned to survive. Instead, it helps us understand why these patterns still show up and how they might be limiting our relationships, emotional resilience, and spiritual growth today.

From a spiritual perspective, the Enneagram reflects the Christian belief that we were created with intention and goodness, marred by brokenness, and continually being shaped by the transforming presence of God. When used wisely, the Enneagram becomes a way of noticing where we are living from fear, striving, self protection, or emotional reactivity instead of resting in the love and freedom Christ offers.

The Enneagram Is Not…

Because of its popularity, the Enneagram is often misunderstood. It is important to clarify what it is not.

The Enneagram is not a personality quiz. Although online tests can provide clues, they are not reliable indicators of type. A number cannot capture the depth of your lived experience or the nuances of your emotional world. The Enneagram is best understood through reflection, conversation, prayerful discernment, and slow attention to the patterns that consistently appear in your life.

The Enneagram is not a label that confines you. It does not tell you who you are in your essence. It does not prescribe your destiny or reduce your complexity. It is not a tool to categorize people into simplistic boxes. It is not a reason to justify harmful or immature behavior. It does not excuse relational patterns that hurt others. Saying something like, “I cannot help it, this is just my type” is a misuse of the tool.

The Enneagram is not a replacement for Scripture or the Holy Spirit. It is not a new gospel or a spiritual authority. It is not a source of ultimate truth. It is simply a tool that, when used thoughtfully, can illuminate the very places where God desires to bring healing.

The Enneagram is not a weapon. It should never be used to diagnose people, judge their choices, assume their motivations, or make declarations about their spiritual or emotional maturity. Each person carries their own story, their own wounds, and their own God given dignity.

Misuse of the Enneagram

Like all relationship tools, the Enneagram can be misused. One common misuse is typing others. Although it can be tempting to categorize people based on observable behavior, the Enneagram is rooted in motivation, not action. Two people may behave similarly but for very different reasons. When we type others, we bypass genuine curiosity and reduce them to assumptions. This can damage trust and hinder healthy connection.

Another way the Enneagram is misused is by over-identification. Some people cling to their type as a fixed identity. They interpret everything through it and become rigid in their self understanding. Instead of seeing their type as a pattern they learned, they see it as who they are. This limits growth and stalls transformation.

Others misuse it by weaponizing their number or the numbers of those close to them. This might look like criticizing a partner by saying “You are acting like such a Seven right now” or excusing one’s own behavior by insisting “I am a Four, so I cannot help being emotional.” These statements bypass accountability and compassion.

The Enneagram is also misused when it becomes a substitute for deeper healing work. Sometimes people prefer the intellectual clarity of naming patterns rather than the emotional labor of healing them. The Enneagram can reveal the roots of our struggles, but it is not meant to heal trauma, mend broken relationships, or resolve long standing internal conflicts on its own. Be on the look out for our next blog, which will explain how the Enneagram model can compliment your participation in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy for deep transformation.

When the Enneagram is misused, it becomes a barrier to intimacy instead of a pathway to it. When used wisely, it creates opportunities for understanding, empathy, and personal growth.

Does the Enneagram conflict with Christianity?

Some Christians worry that the Enneagram is incompatible with their faith. We understand that concern and encourage wise discernment. Many believers find that the Enneagram aligns beautifully with the Christian story of creation, fall, and redemption. From a theological standpoint, the Enneagram aligns with the belief that we are image bearers of God. Our strengths reflect aspects of God’s nature. Our distortions reflect the impact of the Fall. Our growth reflects the Spirit’s transformative work.

Scripture consistently invites self reflection and self examination. David models this posture when he prays, “Search me, God, and know my heart,” or asks himself, “Why are you downcast, O my soul?” We view the Enneagram as a tool to help illuminate the parts of us that are difficult to see on our own, especially the patterns that operate beneath the surface of consciousness. These patterns influence our choices, our relationships, and our spiritual lives. When we bring them into the light, we create space for God to reshape them.

The Enneagram never replaces the gospel. Instead, it helps us recognize where we are resisting the work of the Spirit, where we are still living from fear or shame, and where God may be gently calling us toward freedom. It has the potential to help Christians become more compassionate, more self aware, more able to love others, and more open to the healing presence of Christ in their internal world.

Numbers Do Not Define You

The Enneagram is not meant to label people or place them in restrictive categories. You are a person created in the image of God, continually being shaped, refined, and renewed. You are not confined to the limitations of your type based on human understanding.

Your number is not your identity. It is not your full story. It is not the deepest truth about your soul. Your number is simply a pattern structure that formed around your childhood experiences. It reflects how you learned to cope, how you learned to stay safe, and how you learned to make sense of the world.

These patterns are powerful, but they are not permanent. They are not unchangeable. They are not the measure of your worth.

The Enneagram also reveals how your protective strategies may be influencing your life today. With awareness and support, you can cultivate new ways of relating, thinking, and responding. You can learn to live from your core self rather than your entrenched patterns. You can grow into the freedom Christ desires for you. Healthy engagement with the Enneagram helps you explore the terrain of this transformation.

Patterns Matter More Than Typing

Typing focuses on choosing the correct number. Patterns focus on understanding your lived experience. Typing is quick. Patterns are reflective, slow, and transformative. Typing invites certainty. Patterns invite curiosity. Typing gives a label. Patterns reveal your story.

The real power of the Enneagram comes from noticing the emotional and relational patterns that consistently show up in your life. These patterns often reveal the parts of you that are trying to protect your heart.

This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a helpful companion. IFS teaches that we each have parts within us that carry burdens, fears, memories, and protective strategies. The Enneagram describes the structure of those patterns. IFS helps us engage them with compassion.

When we focus on patterns, we begin to ask deeper questions.

• What am I protecting?

• What emotions rise first for me?

• How did my story shape the strategies I still use today?

• What parts of me need care, healing, and connection?

• Where is God inviting me to grow?

Patterns reveal the unconscious strategies we rely on to feel safe and loved. Understanding these patterns gives us the opportunity to make new choices. This is where transformation begins.

An Invitation to Introspection

The Enneagram is not a spiritual solution in itself, but it is a powerful tool for self knowledge. When paired with the gentle, insightful lens of IFS therapy, it becomes a pathway toward genuine healing. These two models together allow you to understand both the structure of your patterns and the emotional parts that carry the weight of them.

For many people, bringing clarity to previously misunderstood struggles creates new capacity for emotional resilience, relational health, and spiritual depth. And it opens us up to the healing God longs to bring.

If you felt something stir in you as you read, or if you recognize familiar patterns that you would like to understand more deeply, this may be the right time to take the next step in your growth. Healing is possible, especially when we engage the process with intention, support, and courage.

Beyond the Physical: Mature Attraction in Marriage

Are you attracted to your wife?

Notice your first, gut response. Did you feel a pang of guilt, frustration, or sadness? Or maybe you thought, “Of course, but it’s not the same as it used to be.” However you responded, you’re not alone. Many married couples quietly wrestle with attraction, especially in seasons of physical change or emotional distance.

For some men and women shaped by modern Christian culture, attraction has been oversimplified and misunderstood. While attraction dynamics can affect all genders, this blog centers on men because evangelical teaching has often framed male desire narrowly, leaving men without guidance for how attraction can mature. Additionally, when a wife’s body changes, the onus is typically placed on her to improve her appearance so her husband will feel desire again or for the man to accept that sexual intimacy in the marriage will not include attraction. This disempowers the husband and doesn't offer him any avenues of change himself in order to rekindle the marital bed flame.

The Narrow Way We Were Taught to See Attraction

From a young age, many Christian men have been told that they are “visual beings.” They’ve heard phrases like, “Men are just wired that way,” or “It’s natural for men to struggle with lust.” The problem is not the acknowledgment that men have visual sensitivity; the problem is when that becomes the only type of attraction that’s valued or developed.

When men are conditioned to depend solely on physical cues to feel desire, their capacity for deeper forms of attraction atrophies. In other words, the muscle for mature connection never gets exercised.

This limited view, coupled with the widespread influence of pornography, has trained many men to rely on the most primitive form of attraction, the biological response. It’s the same chemical reaction that floods the brain with dopamine when something novel or visually stimulating appears. Psychologists refer to this as a reward loop, and it can become addictive. Over time, the brain begins to associate sexual excitement only with external stimulation, rather than with emotional intimacy or relational safety.

That means some men in marriages today have been unintentionally conditioned to depend on the least mature, least sustainable form of sexual attraction.

Biology Isn’t Bad, It’s Just Basic

Let’s be clear: there is nothing wrong with being attracted to your spouse’s body. God designed physical attraction. It’s meant to draw us together. But physical attraction was never meant to stand alone. It’s meant to be one part of a larger picture of intimacy that includes emotional, spiritual, and relational dimensions.

If we stop growing beyond that initial stage of attraction, we end up with a marriage that relies on chemistry instead of connection. And when chemistry changes, as it always does, the relationship can feel empty or strained.

How Attraction Matures

Psychologists have long recognized that attraction is influenced by many layers beyond the physical. Attachment theory, for instance, shows that emotional safety and trust deepen desire over time. Neuroplasticity research tells us the brain can actually rewire its patterns of attraction through repeated experience, attention, and focus. In other words, what we feed grows stronger.

If we continually feed only visual stimulation, that’s what our desire learns to crave. But if we intentionally feed emotional connection, gratitude, empathy, and shared joy, those become the sources of our attraction.

Five Ways to Cultivate Deeper Attraction in Marriage

1. Emotional Attraction

When you feel emotionally connected to your spouse, your heart opens and so does your body. Empathy, kindness, and vulnerability create safety, and safety allows desire to flourish.

2. Energetic Attraction

Confidence, passion, and purpose are magnetic. When your spouse lives with vitality and authenticity, you may feel drawn to them not because of how they look, but because of how they live.

3. Character-Based Attraction

Qualities like patience, strength, humility, and courage make a person deeply attractive. Seeing your spouse act with integrity or compassion can awaken admiration and desire.

4. Relational Attraction

Sometimes we forget how others see our spouse. Watching them lead, serve, or nurture reminds us why we fell in love in the first place. When we step back and notice how God works through them, attraction naturally rekindles.

5. Spiritual Attraction

When two people pursue God together, something powerful happens. Spiritual unity often restores emotional and physical intimacy because it reminds us of the sacredness of our bond.

Relearning How to Desire

If you find that you struggle to feel attracted to your spouse, it doesn’t mean you’re broken or that your marriage is over. It may simply mean you’ve only learned one version of attraction, and it’s time to expand that.

This is not about guilt or shame; it’s about growth. With help, your mind and body can relearn what healthy attraction feels like. It can move from performance-based desire to genuine connection-based intimacy.

For Men Who Want to Heal

At Boundless Hope, we know that many men have been deeply impacted by pornography, sexual shame, and unrealistic expectations. That’s why we offer counseling for men by men, as well as a clinicians dedicated to providing sexual addiction recovery counseling. They can help men retrain their minds, rebuild intimacy with their wives, and rediscover God’s design for desire.

If you recognize yourself in these words, there is hope. The kind of attraction that God intended is one that grows deeper, not shallower, with time. This  can be cultivated. It begins when you stop feeding the old patterns and start investing in the deeper, truer connection that you can have in marriage.

Metabolizing Pain: The Power of Proactive Grieving

There is a quiet epidemic of emotional hunger in our world. At the same time, so many people are constipated with invisible pain that is making them sick. We live in cultures that celebrate independence and reward composure, but rarely teach what to do with messy, debilitating sorrow. We are taught how to perform, not how to process. Yet inside every human being is a biological and spiritual need to grieve.

When grief is delayed or denied, it does not vanish. It transforms. Pain that is not metabolized becomes projection, and projection turns into resentment. We start seeing our hurt reflected in others instead of feeling it within ourselves. The longer that process continues, the more disconnected we become from our own humanity and from each other.

Learning to grieve is not a sentimental idea. It is emotional hygiene, a vital practice that allows the psyche to digest what life brings. Without it, love cannot circulate freely.

Why Grief Matters

Grief is the body’s natural way of restoring equilibrium after loss or disappointment. It is the emotional equivalent of metabolism: the process that breaks down what is too heavy to carry and converts it into understanding and compassion.

When we cry, our nervous system releases stress hormones. When we tell the truth about what hurts, our brain integrates the experience instead of storing it as threat. Grieving is how the body says, “This happened. I survived. I am learning how to live with it.”

Yet many people are conditioned to treat grief as an interruption rather than a teacher. We are encouraged to suppress sadness with distraction or self-improvement instead of letting it guide us toward wisdom. Over time, that avoidance turns inward. What could have been felt becomes what must be managed.

The Cultural Fear of Vulnerability

From a young age, children often receive messages that shape their relationship with emotion. Many are taught that strength means staying composed, that tears are embarrassing, and that emotional needs should be handled privately. The result is a kind of emotional illiteracy: people grow up fluent in logic and ambition but unable to name what they feel.

When these unexpressed emotions accumulate, they create an internal pressure that looks for an outlet. Some people become perfectionistic, always striving to prove their worth. Others grow cynical or detached, mistaking numbness for peace. Some turn their pain outward through criticism, while others turn it inward through self-blame.

Rarely is this conscious or malicious. It is simply what happens when we are never taught how to sit with grief. We build protective armor instead of emotional muscle.

Projection: When Pain Looks Like Judgment

Projection is one of the most common defense mechanisms in human psychology. It happens when something inside us feels too painful to acknowledge, so we locate it in someone else. The person who feels powerless criticizes others for being controlling. The one who feels unlovable insists that everyone else is cold or shallow.

Projection gives temporary relief because it moves the discomfort outside the self, but it prevents healing. The moment we externalize our pain, we lose the chance to integrate it. Instead of saying, “I am hurting,” we say, “They are the problem.”

When entire groups of people share similar unprocessed wounds, projection can become collective. We start creating stories about who is to blame for our pain, often targeting those who represent what we secretly long for: connection, acceptance, or safety.

Grieving interrupts that pattern. When we face sorrow directly, we no longer need to outsource it through blame. Our inner world becomes safe enough to hold its own ache.

Metabolizing Pain

As humans, we often want to extinguish pain. Run from it. Avoid it at all costs. The short-term success of this tactic prevents us from living healthy lives, integrating our past with the present.

Pain is metabolized by grieving. It moves through the body and psyche until it is converted into energy for growth. It is an alchemical process that turns raw emotion into wisdom.

This begins with acknowledgment. Pain cannot be healed until it is named. The moment we say, “I feel rejected,” or “I feel unseen,” the feeling begins to soften. Naming creates a bridge between experience and understanding.

Next comes expression. This may look like tears, movement, writing, or conversation. The form is less important than the intention to release rather than recycle. Expression keeps pain from congealing into identity.

Finally comes meaning. Once emotion has moved through, reflection allows us to see what the pain was asking of us. Often it calls for gentleness, boundaries, nurturing, forgiveness, or truth-telling. Meaning does not erase the wound, but it transforms it from a source of suffering into a source of strength.

Proactive Grieving

Most people think of grief as something that follows a major loss, but proactive grief is different. It is the practice of processing disappointment, transition, or heartbreak as it happens rather than waiting for the pain to harden.

Proactive grieving means noticing the small endings that happen every day:

• The conversation that hurt.

• The dream that did not unfold.

• The version of ourselves we can no longer be or realize we will never become.

When we meet those moments with presence, we stay emotionally current. We prevent resentment from taking root.

This kind of grief is not dramatic; it is gentle maintenance of the soul. It is pausing to feel the ache instead of numbing it, acknowledging impermanence instead of fighting it, and letting sadness wash through before it becomes bitterness.

People who grieve proactively tend to be more compassionate because they have learned that pain is not always a punishment. It is part of being alive, caring, and growing.

Grief as a Form of Strength

Our culture often mistakes hardness for strength, but real strength is softness that has survived. A person who can weep without shame, admit fear without collapsing, and love again after loss possesses a resilience that cannot be faked.

When we grieve, we build capacity. The heart expands. We learn that pain will not destroy us and that feeling deeply is not the same as being weak.

In relationships, this capacity shows up as empathy. People who have faced their own sorrow can hold space for others without judgment. They listen instead of fixing, comfort instead of criticizing. Their presence feels safe because it is rooted in truth.

Strength without tenderness isolates. Tenderness without strength collapses. Grief teaches us the balance between the two.

Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Inheritance

Many of us carry inherited patterns of emotional avoidance from generations before us. Our parents and grandparents often lived through times when survival required endurance rather than expression. Their silence was not a failure; it was a strategy.

But what kept them alive may keep us disconnected. We can honor their resilience while choosing a different legacy. By teaching children to grieve, we give them permission to be whole.

When a boy learns that tears are a sign of courage, he grows into a man who does not confuse dominance with power. When a girl learns that anger can coexist with love, she becomes a woman who trusts her own boundaries. Each generation that learns to metabolize pain passes less of it forward.

Proactive grieving becomes a form of intergenerational healing.

The Role of Safe Connection

We typically do not heal in isolation. Grieving is both an individual and a communal act. We are social creatures whose nervous systems regulate through empathy. When someone listens to our sorrow without trying to fix it, the body registers safety. The pain becomes bearable.

This is why communities built on empathy are so powerful. They remind us that pain is not proof of failure but evidence of being alive. In safe connection, grief completes its cycle and returns us to love.

Isolation, by contrast, traps pain in repetition. The more we hide, the more we believe we are the only ones who feel this way. Sharing sorrow breaks that illusion. It turns private suffering into shared humanity.

Living as an Open System

To live as an open emotional system means allowing experiences to move through rather than accumulate. Grieving keeps the system open. It prevents the stagnation that leads to cynicism or despair.

An open system does not cling to being right. It is curious, adaptable, and humble. It understands that every emotion carries information. Joy shows us what to cherish. Anger reveals where our boundaries lie. Grief teaches us how deeply we can love.

When we live this way, we become more grounded, less reactive, and more compassionate. Pain still arrives, but it does not define us.

Choosing Tenderness

Tenderness is not weakness. It is the courage to remain sensitive in a world that rewards hardness. Grief keeps tenderness alive. It reminds us that love and loss are intertwined, that every moment of connection contains the possibility of goodbye.

Choosing tenderness means refusing to let pain turn us cruel. It means keeping the heart open even when it trembles. It means trusting that vulnerability is not the end of safety but the beginning of it.

The world needs more people who can stay open without collapsing, who can feel deeply without drowning. Grieving is how we become those people.

A Call to Practice

Proactive grieving is not something we master once. It is a lifelong practice of noticing, naming, and releasing. Some days it looks like tears. Other days it looks like silence, prayer, or a walk outside. What matters is the willingness to feel.

If we can begin to see grief not as a detour from life but as part of the journey itself, then pain no longer has to turn into projection. It can turn into depth, empathy, and love.

To metabolize pain is to participate fully in being human. It is to honor both the wound and the wisdom it carries. When we learn to grieve as we go, life stops being something to survive and becomes something to feel deeply, moment by moment, breath by breath.

If you are carrying pain that feels too heavy to face alone, you do not have to walk through it by yourself. Our Boundless Hope counselors are here to walk beside you with compassion and understanding. Whether you are learning how to grieve, to release old patterns, or to find new strength in tenderness, you are invited to reach out for support. Healing begins the moment you choose not to face your sorrow in silence.

Healing the Fear of Healthy Dependency

Teresa grew up in a home where dependence came with a price. When she reached for help, she was met with control. When she showed need, she was shamed or silenced. Over time, she learned that the safest way to survive was to take care of herself and never rely on anyone else. Her independence became her shield. It gave her a sense of safety, even though it left her feeling alone. In her family, love was conditional and trust was fragile, so she became self-sufficient long before she was ready to be.

Now, as an adult, Teresa still finds herself torn between wanting connection and fearing it. When people show care, she wonders what it will cost. When God invites her to rest, she worries what He might ask in return. Dependence still feels dangerous to her nervous system. Others have told her to pray harder or have more faith, but those words only deepen her confusion. Teresa does want to trust, she just doesn’t know how. Her struggle is not rebellion or lack of faith. It is the residue of learning that love could turn into harm.

When Independence Feels Safer Than Connection

If you were harmed by people you depended on as a child, it makes sense that you would fear healthy dependency as an adult. To your nervous system, dependency might not feel like connection. It might feel like captivity. Trust may feel elusive, if not impossible.

When safety only came through independence, it’s natural that you would equate being self-reliant with being free. As a child, your freedom came the moment you could take care of yourself and no longer had to depend on people who hurt or controlled you. Your independence became your protection.

What once kept you safe can now make closeness feel dangerous. When trust has been broken by those you relied on, healthy interdependence in adulthood can stir up feelings of vulnerability and fear. You may long for connection and support, yet part of you resists it because dependency once meant pain, shame, or loss of control.

Understanding What the Body Remembers

Our bodies hold powerful memories of early experiences. Even when our minds know someone is safe, the body can respond as if danger is near. For those who grew up needing to stay alert to emotional or physical harm, closeness can activate an old alarm system. The heart may want to connect, but the body braces for impact.

Many people notice this tension in subtle ways, such as an urge to pull away when someone offers help, a discomfort with relying on others, or a sense of guilt for needing anything at all. Rather than quickly labeling these as signs of failure or pride, it can be helpful to adopt curiosity about how these protective reflexes once kept you safe. Healing begins with recognizing them for what they are: evidence of how hard you have worked to survive.

The Difference Between Control and Connection

In childhood, dependency may have carried pain because it came with control, powerlessness, or inconsistency. In adulthood, healthy dependency is something entirely different. It is built on mutual respect, empathy, and love that flows both ways. There is room for honesty, needs, and boundaries. There is no shame in weakness and no fear of being used or silenced. Instead, there is safety in being seen and cared for.

Learning to trust is not about becoming helpless. It is about discovering that true safety can exist within connection. Love can hold you without trapping you. Healthy dependency allows both people to give and receive without fear of losing themselves. 

This might look like letting a trusted friend help when you’re overwhelmed, or allowing yourself to rest in someone’s care without feeling weak for needing it. Over time, as you experience relationships that are safe and consistent, your nervous system begins to learn that connection can feel calm instead of threatening.

Learning to Trust God

For many who were hurt by those they depended on, trusting God can also feel complicated. When the origin of this fear of trust is not understood, a person may be judged as having a spiritual problem. However, if dependency once meant danger, surrendering to God might feel like losing control to someone who could hurt you. The good news is that God’s heart is not like the hearts that failed you. His love is not controlling or abusive.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). God’s love is patient and kind. He invites rather than demands. He carries rather than crushes. Depending on Him does not take away your freedom; it brings peace to the parts of you that have been striving to survive on your own.

God’s heart is gentle toward those who have been wounded. He never asks for blind submission. He asks for trust, and He earns that trust by His steady presence and faithful care. Depending on Him is not about losing your freedom. It is about finding peace in the One who keeps you safe.

As you slowly learn to rest in God’s steady care, your fear of human connection can begin to soften. His presence teaches the body what true safety feels like. He becomes the model for the kind of trust that heals.

Healing Through Safe Connection

Healing from relational trauma involves more than understanding what went wrong. Healing begins when you start to recognize the difference between the kind of dependency that harmed you and the kind that heals you. It also means practicing new experiences of safety. As you learn to rest in God’s love, you can begin to open your heart to healthy human connection too. Each time you let someone in, even in small ways, you give your heart a new story to tell.

At Boundless Hope, we believe that learning healthy dependence does not mean losing your independence. It means expanding your capacity for love, safety, and peace. If this speaks to your heart, we invite you to reach out. Through counseling, you can begin to notice where old patterns are still protecting you and gently replace them with patterns that help you thrive. You do not have to walk through this alone. Healing is possible, and so is safety in connection.

Living Within Our Limits

We live in an age of constant connection, yet many of us feel more anxious, lonely, and overstimulated than ever. Notifications light up our screens, news cycles never end, and even our moments of rest are invaded by digital noise. It’s easy to make this a character issue, assuming we’ve simply lost discipline or need better time management. But what if the problem runs deeper? What if creation itself was designed with limits that protect and sustain us, and rapidly expanding technology is erasing them?

A Day in the Village: When Life Was Smaller and Connection Was Built In

Not long ago, life unfolded in small circles. A person might live and die within a few miles of where they were born. Generations stayed rooted in the same soil, surrounded by faces that knew their stories from beginning to end.

Each morning began with familiar sounds: neighbors greeting one another, the blacksmith’s hammer, children laughing in the street. At the market, people didn’t just exchange goods; they exchanged pieces of life. The shopkeeper knew your name, your family, and what kind of bread you liked best. Conversations wove people together in a way no device could replicate.

Information moved slowly, traveling by word of mouth or letter. People’s identities were tied to their families, trades, and communities. Life was far from perfect, but human connection wasn’t something you had to schedule. It was built into the fabric of survival.

In contrast, today we can reach anyone in the world instantly, yet often feel unseen and alone. Before technology expanded our reach, our relationships were smaller in number but stronger in texture. Limits once defined life, and within those limits, we found belonging.

When Limits Are Lost

Our bodies and brains were designed for slower rhythms, small communities, and the natural balance of work and rest. The human nervous system thrives on predictability and connection, not on constant exposure to information and emotional stimulation. Technology has removed many of the boundaries that once structured our days.

Work follows us home. Screens follow us to bed. The rhythm of sunrise and sunset no longer guides our activity. We can know everything, be everywhere, and respond to anyone at any time, but that unlimited access comes at a cost.

In a single morning scroll, we might witness a war, a natural disaster, a friend’s heartbreak, and an ad reminding us we’re not enough. Each of these inputs activates our stress response, yet we rarely have a way to release that energy. We were not designed to carry the entire world in our pockets. Our ancestors’ stress cycles ended through movement, touch, and community. Ours often end in exhaustion or dissociation.

The brain can’t tell the difference between a threat on a screen and one outside the cave, so we live in a chronic state of low-grade fight or flight. If you feel restless, numb, or easily overwhelmed, you’re not broken. You’re reacting normally to an environment that has stripped away the limits your body and soul depend on.

The Wisdom of God’s Boundaries

From the beginning, God wove boundaries into creation. Day and night. Land and sea. Work and Sabbath. Limits were never meant to restrict us; they were meant to preserve life. As Romans 8:22 says, “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.” Creation was designed for balance and renewal. When those rhythms are disrupted, the Earth groans, and so do we.

Technology itself isn’t evil. It can connect families across oceans, spread hope, and save lives. But when it tempts us to live without boundaries, to bypass rest, avoid silence, and ignore the body’s need for slowness, it begins to deform what it means to be human.

God did not make us limitless. He made us loved.

He did not make us tireless. He made us relational.

And He did not make us to carry the weight of the world’s pain alone.

The “Therefore”

Learning this truth doesn’t mean we must reject technology or retreat from modern life. The therefore is not to unplug completely; it’s to live with wisdom and compassion within the world we have. Our exhaustion isn’t moral failure; it’s physiology. Our overwhelm isn’t weakness; it’s a body doing its best to keep up. When we name this collective strain, we open the door to grace.

Just as creation shows signs of drought and depletion when overused, our souls show fatigue and detachment when overstimulated. Recognizing that connection helps us stop demanding our bodies behave like machines and instead honor the boundaries God intended: day and night, work and Sabbath, engagement and rest.

The Hope We Hold

We believe God is teaching our generation to care for body and mind in trauma-informed ways that honor creation’s design. We can’t undo the digital world, but we can learn to live wisely within it. We can strive to use technology in life-enhancing ways while still grounding ourselves and setting compassionate boundaries. We can reconnect with the Creator who made us for rhythm, not rush, and prioritize connection with creation.

Healing begins when we notice what technology has taken from us and start gently restoring it: presence, embodiment, and peace. Through therapy, nervous system awareness, and spiritual formation, you can rediscover what it means to live within healthy limits again.

Practical Ways to Reconnect With Creation and Calm Your Nervous System

1. Take a sensory Sabbath
   Choose a regular window of time, an hour or a day, to silence notifications and let stillness become sacred again. Sit outside, breathe, and listen.

2. Ground before consuming information
   Before opening your phone, place your feet on the floor, breathe slowly, and whisper, “God, help me receive only what I can carry today.”

3. Honor digital limits
   Set small boundaries: no screens during meals, a ten-minute scroll break every hour, or a “digital sunset” before bed. Structure restores freedom.

4. Return to the elements
   Touch the earth. Garden, walk barefoot, or watch the sunset. Your senses remember that you are part of creation, not separate from it.

5. Practice embodied prayer
   Pray with your body. Open your hands, rest a hand on your heart, breathe deeply. Let your nervous system feel the safety of God’s presence.

6. Witness without absorbing
   When global tragedies appear on your feed, acknowledge them, pray, or give as you’re able, then release them to God. Compassion doesn’t require carrying every burden yourself.

7. Reclaim slow, tangible joys
   Write by hand, cook from scratch, or listen to live music. These activities retrain your senses to find delight at life’s natural speed.

8. Seek trauma-informed support
   If you feel constantly “on,” struggle to rest, or experience physical symptoms of stress, counseling can help. Healing the nervous system restores spiritual and emotional clarity.

The Sacred Work of Slowing Down

Psalm 46:10 invites, “Be still, and know that I am God.” Stillness is where we remember that we are creatures, not machines. When we slow down, grace catches up to us. We discover that technology can serve us once it’s aligned with wisdom and boundaries. We learn to discern what belongs to us and what belongs to God.

At Boundless Hope, we see this as holy work: helping people live faithfully in a technological world without losing the sacred rhythm of creation. We integrate faith, clinical insight, and trauma-informed care to help individuals and families find restoration. Our therapists understand the pressures of modern life. We’re living it too! Reach out today if you would like to learn more about evidence-based tools that honor both body and spirit.

“This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength.” Isaiah 30:15 (NLT)

Helping Kids Navigate Life

God has entrusted parents with the daunting task of guiding our children through a world that often feels big, unpredictable, and overwhelming. For a child, everyday moments like a first dentist visit, saying goodbye at preschool, or learning to share can bring anxiety, confusion, or tears. For parents, these situations raise a familiar question: How can I prepare my child for this in a way that helps them feel safe and capable?

Jesus often taught through parables, stories that gave people a picture of themselves in everyday situations. Those simple, memorable stories helped listeners understand deeper truths about life, faith, and relationships. In the same way, children often learn best through stories that show them who they are, what to expect, and how they can respond.

One powerful, practical tool parents can use for this kind of teaching is the Social Story.

What is a Social Story?

A Social Story is a short, personalized narrative that explains:

• What will happen in a specific situation

• Why it happens

• What the child can do

Instead of vague reassurances like “Don’t worry,” Social Stories give children a clear script: Here’s what’s going to happen, and here’s how you can handle it. Think of them as a tool for equipping and empowering your child to navigate the world.

Originally developed to support children with autism, Social Stories are now recognized as powerful tools for all children because everyone benefits from clarity, reassurance, and encouragement. In fact, even adults can benefit from Social Stories when facing new or stressful situations.

Social Stories Work for Every Child

Social Stories work because they combine predictability, empathy, and guidance:

• Predictability → Reduces the fear of the unknown

• Language for feelings → Helps children put words to emotions

• Scripts for success → Models positive behavior instead of only warning against the negative

• Confidence and empowerment → Reassures kids they can handle the situation

Whether your child is neurotypical, has anxiety, or lives with autism, ADHD, or another special need, Social Stories make life’s challenges feel smaller and more manageable.

How to Write a Social Story

The traditional way to write a Social Story is simple:

1. Choose voice (1st person - “I…” / 3rd person - “Alex…”) *

2. Describe the situation step by step.

3. Use clear, short sentences.

4. Validate feelings.

5. Give a positive action or script.

* There is no “right/wrong” choice for the voice you use in your story, First-person often feels more personal, encourages self-talk (“I can do this.”), and helps kids imagine themselves in the situation. On the other hand, third-person creates emotional distance, which is calming for some children. It also lets kids “watch” someone else succeed before applying it to themselves and makes it easier to weave in creativity (favorite cartoon character, pet, or animal as the main character). We encourage you to try out both and see which your child prefers.

Social Story Examples

Preschool Drop-Off (1st Person)

"Every morning, Mommy takes me to preschool. We drive together and park the car. Sometimes, I feel a little sad when it’s time to say goodbye. That is okay. Lots of kids feel that way. I give Mommy a big hug and a wave. Then I walk inside with my teacher. I will see Mommy again after school. While I’m at preschool, I get to play, learn, and see my friends. Preschool is a safe place for me."

Doctor’s Visit (3rd Person)

"Today Ashley is going to see the doctor. The doctor helps kids like her stay healthy. First, she will sit with Mommy in the waiting room. Then the nurse calls her name. The nurse may check Ashley’s height, weight, and temperature. Sometimes the doctor looks in her ears or throat. It may feel a little funny. If Ashley needs a shot, it will be very quick. Shots help her body stay strong. Mommy will be with her the whole time. After the doctor’s visit, they will go to Chick-fil-a for lunch and Ashley will get ice cream to celebrate her courage at the doctor."

Sharing Toys (1st Person)

"Sometimes I play with my toys. When a friend comes over, they might want to play too. It can be hard to share. I might feel like I don’t want to. That is okay. I can take a deep breath. I can say, ‘Let’s take turns.’ Sharing helps me and my friend have fun together."

Grocery Store Sensory Overload (3rd Person)

"Sometimes Darrell goes to the grocery store with Daddy. The lights are bright, and it can feel loud. Darrell’s body feels like it wants to scream or hide. That is okay. If he feels too much, he can put on his headphones. Darrell can tell Daddy, ‘I need a break.’ Daddy will help him find a quiet place. Soon, they will finish shopping and go home where Darrell can go to his quiet space to relax."

Using AI as a Co-Writer

For parents who feel tired, busy, or unsure of what to say, AI can make writing Social Stories easier. Think of AI as a co-writer that gives you a starting point and you can still add the details that make it personal. The following are examples of prompts you could give AI to create the foundation of a Social Story for your kiddo.

Preschool Drop-Off Prompt:

"Write a short Social Story in in first person for a preschooler named Nevaeh who feels anxious about saying goodbye to her parents at drop-off. Use her friend’s names in the story (Micah and Ally)."

Dentist Visit Prompt:

"Write a Social Story for a 7-year-old named Julia who is nervous about the dentist. Include that she is going to get to pick out a sticker after the visit and that sometimes we get cavities even though we brush/floss. "

Grocery Store Prompt:

“Write a third person Social Story for a child named Alexander who is on the autism spectrum and gets overwhelmed by loud noises at the grocery store. Include frogs, Bluey, and the color green in the story.”

How Parents Can Incorporate Social Stories Into Daily Life

Writing a Social Story is only the first step. The real power comes in sharing it with your child in meaningful, creative ways:

Tell and draw together → Sit with your child and “tell” the story while drawing simple stick figures or pictures to match.

Bedtime routine → Make up a Social Story at bedtime to prepare your child for the next day.

Car rides → Retell the story in the car while driving to school, church, or a playdate.

Make two books → Invite your child to draw one book showing their fears (e.g., “Mom forgets me at school,” or “The dentist hurts me”), then co-create another book with the Social Story that empowers them with reassurance and coping tools.

Make a Social Story family library → Keep stories in a binder or folder so your child(ren) can re-read them anytime they need reassurance.

There’s no single formula for using Social Stories. Your willingness to try, adapt, and connect with your child is what makes them powerful. Social Stories allow parents to create a safe space where their child’s feelings are seen, their worries are met with understanding, and they are equipped to navigate the world in the presence of big feelings.

We love to support parents and kids.

Jesus used stories to teach because stories help us see ourselves, our fears, and our hopes more clearly. Social Stories do the same for children. They offer a road map for confusing or stressful moments, reminding kids that they are safe and capable. Whether you’re helping a child with special needs navigate sensory overload, supporting a preteen with social anxiety, or preparing a preschooler for their first drop-off, a story can make the difference between meltdown and confidence. Start small and keep it simple. Social Stories written with your child are like personal love letters telling them, “You are safe. You can do this. I’ll help you through.”

At Boundless Hope, we believe every child deserves to feel safe, seen, and supported. If your child is struggling with transitions, anxiety, or emotional regulation, we offer play therapy that can help. Reach out today so we can walk with your family on the journey of raising the next generation.

Loving Our Neighbor When It Feels Hard

There are seasons in life when the gap between us and the people around us feels especially wide. Maybe it’s a difference in how we see the world, how we make decisions, or how we respond to challenges. When our beliefs or preferences get challenged, even about something as simple as our favorite sports team or the “right” way to load the dishwasher, it can feel surprisingly personal. That’s because the brain doesn’t always distinguish between small disagreements and bigger ones. 

When we feel our identity or values are under threat, the amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) activates. Stress chemicals like cortisol flood the body, and the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that helps with empathy, reasoning, and perspective, can temporarily go offline. This can make it difficult to live out love when we feel misunderstood, dismissed, or even hurt.

If you’re struggling with empathy, your brain may be instinctively trying to keep you safe. But with intentional practices, when we are not truly in danger, we can calm the alarm system and re-engage the parts of the brain God created that increase our compassion for others. I John 3:18 reminds us that love is a verb by encouraging us to go beyond words and love “in deed and in truth.” To that goal, we’d like to offer some practical, evidence-based tools to consider that may help bridge divides and nurture compassion, even when it feels hard. 

1. Practice Active Listening

Instead of preparing a response while the other person is speaking, focus fully on understanding what they are trying to express. The goal is not to judge or compare what they think to what you think. Instead, listen with the goal of understanding what the world looks like through their eyes. Active listening also teaches us to summarize back what you’ve heard. This gives the other person a chance to correct or clarify your understanding of their view. 

When we listen without interrupting, the prefrontal cortex gets a chance to stay engaged rather than letting the amygdala run the show. Reflecting back what we’ve heard tells the other person, and our own nervous system, that the situation is safe for dialogue. Research shows active listening reduces defensiveness, increases empathy and helps people feel seen.

Example: Imagine your neighbor says, “Summer is the best season!” You hate hot summers and are convinced fall is better. Instead of jumping in with your reasons, you respond, “So you really enjoy the heat and long days?” That small reflection lowers the “threat signal” in both of your brains, keeping the conversation light instead of tense. Listening with curiosity creates space for connection.

2. Set Healthy Boundaries

Loving your neighbor does not mean you agree with them or even have to listen to all of their opinions. We live in a world of social media where people have many avenues to express themselves. You still can choose which conversations or which post you welcome into your mind. Think of boundaries as a way to protect both you and your relationships. When we calmly communicate what is okay and not okay for us, we reduce resentment and create the possibility for healthier connection.

On the flip side, when people fear being overrun by having their views dominated or invalidated in a conversation, the amygdala stays hyper-alert. Boundaries reassure the brain’s limbic system that you’re not in danger. That sense of safety allows the anterior cingulate cortex, a region involved in emotional connection, to stay open, so love doesn’t get drowned out by fear.

Example: Your coworker insists that pineapple is the best pizza topping. You find it unappetizing, but instead of arguing or forcing yourself to agree, you laugh and say, “I’ll let you enjoy that one but I’ll stick to pepperoni.” Then change the subject. You’ve set a clear but kind boundary that this isn’t something you want to debate, thus keeping your brain from slipping into defensiveness. Clear boundaries make room to show love.

3. Engage in Perspective-Taking

This means intentionally imagining what life might look and feel like in the other person’s shoes. Studies show that perspective-taking increases empathy and reduces conflict. It helps us shift from, “How can they think that?” to, “I wonder what experiences shaped this point of view.” The brain has what are called “mirror neurons,” which help us imagine what others feel. But when the amygdala detects a threat, that system shuts down. Intentionally practicing perspective-taking reactivates these neural pathways and helps us reconnect with empathy.

Example: Your meet you friend for coffee on a chilly day and they declare that cold weather is the best. You can’t stand being cold and have felt irritable all morning so your first instinct is to complain. Instead of snapping back or brushing it off, you picture what it feels like for them. You imagine how peaceful they might feel wearing a cozy sweater, drinking hot cocoa, or watching a gentle snow fall. Even though you don’t share the preference, imagining their joy helps to reactivate empathy circuits in your brain.

4. Use Self-Regulation Skills

When we feel flooded with emotions, it’s difficult to respond with love. Fight-or-flight mode can overwhelm the body with adrenaline and cortisol. Practices like slow breathing or grounding strategies activate the parasympathetic nervous system (the body’s “calm down” system), which lowers amygdala reactivity. This makes it easier for the prefrontal cortex to come back online, restoring our ability to think clearly and care deeply.

Example: Someone insists their favorite team is clearly superior to yours. You feel a little surge of irritation. Instead of snapping back, you pause, take a slow breath, and remind yourself, “This isn’t worth arguing. Sports are not more important than how I treat the person in front of me.” That pause helps calm your brain and reset before you respond with humor or kindness. A calm body supports a compassionate heart.

5. Practice Small Acts of Kindness

The flight response can urge us to isolate ourselves from people who have opposing views to ours. Simple gestures like checking in on a neighbor, holding a door, or even smiling to a stranger build in humanity trust over time. Research suggests kindness not only strengthens relationships but also boosts our own well-being by releasing oxytocin, a hormone that promotes bonding, reduces activity in the amygdala, and increases the brain’s ability to connect socially. In short, kindness biologically counteracts the pull to withdraw so love can grow stronger in small, steady steps.

Example: Even though you think the music your neighbor blasts as they pull into their garage each day is questionable, you still bring their trash bin in from the curb when they forget. Small gestures not only strengthen the relationship but also reinforce in your own brain that connection is safe.

We are here to help promote love!

Learning to love our neighbors when it feels hard is not about pretending differences don’t exist or silencing our own values. It’s about calming the parts of our brain that feel threatened so we can choose love as Christ calls us to do. If you notice your empathy is weak, think of it as the brain doing its protective job. But don’t stop there. By choosing to listen, set boundaries, imagine another’s perspective, regulate ourselves, and practice kindness, we’re inviting the brain back into connection, retraining both our nervous system and hearts toward love. These skills take time and practice to be effective. For many people, this is where support makes all the difference.

At Boundless Hope, our therapists walk alongside you to unpack practical strategies like grounding, breathing, or boundary-setting in ways that fit your unique story. Together, we integrate evidence-based tools with the hope of Scripture so you can strengthen your relationships, reduce stress, and experience God’s peace in daily life.

If you find yourself struggling to bridge divides, feeling emotionally flooded, or longing for more compassion in your relationships, you don’t have to figure it out alone. We’d be honored to help you practice these tools in a safe, supportive space. Reach out today to schedule an appointment and take the next step toward living out love, even when it feels hard.

When Feelings Speak Louder Than Truth

Some days we wake up and feel unlovable. Other days, we feel small, ashamed, or like a failure. Feelings can be so powerful that they seem to define us. When they’re heavy, it’s easy to assume they must be telling the truth. But here’s the paradox: our feelings are always real and valuable, but they’re not always reliable truth-tellers.

Feelings are signals. They point to what we’re experiencing, fearing, or desire. They matter, and they deserve compassion. But they don’t tell the full story of who we are. For example, feeling unworthy doesn’t mean you are unworthy. Feeling invisible doesn’t mean you are unseen. We often express our beliefs prefaced by the word “feel” instead of “think.” Thoughts or beliefs can be factual or unfactual but feelings don’t fall into either of those categories.

It is wise and healthy to consider our thoughts and weigh them against the truth. However, emotions are different. They are meant to give us information. Emotions are best viewed as data, not directives. They’re like dashboard warning lights; Emotions alert us to pay attention, but they don’t always diagnose the problem accurately.

Imagine you text a friend and don’t hear back for hours. A wave of emotion rises; maybe you feel anxiety, rejection, or loneliness. The feeling might cause you to think: "I’m not important. They don’t care about me."

That feeling is a signal. It’s pointing to a deeper need: connection and reassurance. But the feeling itself doesn’t prove the thought is true. When we check the facts, we might realize: “My friend could just be busy, driving, or dealing with their own stress.”

The emotion gave us data. It tells us that we are longing for closeness, feel insecure in the relationship, etc. But it’s not a directive to spiral into self-doubt.

This is where some skills from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can help us sort through emotions with wisdom. These skills line up beautifully with Scripture’s invitation to be honest about what we feel, yet anchored in God’s unchanging truth.

Skill 1: Wise Mind – Bringing Balance

In DBT, Wise Mind is the place where our Emotional Mind (how we feel in the moment) and our Reasonable Mind (logic and facts) come together. When you’re caught in a storm of self-doubt, Wise Mind helps you pause, breathe, and remember: My feelings are true to my experience, but they’re not the whole truth. In the example above, using Wise Mind would look like pausing, breathing, and allowing yourself to feel lonely, sad, or anxious. But don’t stop there. Tell God about those feelings and recall His truth: “I am seen, chosen, and loved, even in moments when others feel distant.”

David modeled this in the Psalms. He poured out emotions of despair, fear, and even abandonment, yet he always circled back to God’s promises. That’s Wise Mind in action: validating the feelings while also holding onto truth. If you skip the step of feeling, you are missing valuable information that can help you grow/heal. You are also putting yourself at risk of spiritual bypassing.

Skill 2: Check the Facts – Testing Thoughts Inspired By Feelings Against Reality

When emotions shout loudly, ask: What are the actual facts?

• Thought Inspired by Feeling: “I’m a failure.”

• Fact: “I made one mistake, but I’ve also done many things well.”

• Thought Inspired by Feeling: “I’m invisible.”

• Fact: “I was overlooked in this moment, but I matter deeply to God and to others.”

Scripture is a great resource to check the facts. For example, Romans 8:1 says, “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Even if we feel condemned, the fact of God’s grace remains.

Have you ever sent out an email with a typo in it, and later someone points it out? If you struggle with perfectionism, you may feel a rush of shame and think: “I can’t do anything right. Everyone probably thinks I’m incompetent.” Notice there was a feeling and a thought.

Feeling: Shame

Thought: I’m incompetent.

In this scenario, when you check the facts, you may say to yourself, “I made one mistake in an email. The truth is, I usually communicate well, and this error doesn’t erase that. Other people make mistakes too.”

Skill 3: Opposite Action – Choosing What Heals

Our emotions often urge us to act in ways that deepen the pain. Shame says, "Hide." Fear says, "Fight, Freeze, or Run." Loneliness says, "Stay silent." DBT teaches us to practice Opposite Action: do the opposite of what the unhelpful emotion is pushing us toward.

• When shame says hide → reach out for support

• When sadness says isolate → go for a walk, meet with a friend, or worship.

• When fear says run → take the next faithful step forward.

Returning to the earlier example about making a mistake on an email, your emotions may tempt you to be defensive when your error is pointed out or to berate yourself. However, an Opposite Action approach would be to acknowledge your mistake with humility, send a corrected email, laugh it off if appropriate, and carry on with your day. You might even remind yourself aloud: “I’m still capable and valuable.” Proverbs 24:16 says, “Though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again.” Hiding in shame will increase your pain, but rising and continuing forward will lead to growth.

Skill 4: Radical Acceptance – Honoring What Is

Sometimes, the most healing thing we can do is practice Radical Acceptance: acknowledging reality without judgment.

Consider how Radical Acceptance may help you to cope with the grief felt by estrangement from a family member. You’ve prayed, reached out, taken responsibility for your role in the rupture, and tried everything you can to repair the relationship but they remain distant and unresponsive. Your grief feels heavy, and part of you wants to keep fighting against the reality that things aren’t changing. You may even be making things worse by fighting against the truth that the family member doesn’t want to be close right now.

Radical Acceptance “This relationship is strained right now, and I cannot make them respond differently. I feel grief, and that grief is real.”

When we stop resisting the truth of what is, we free ourselves from the added suffering of “it shouldn’t be this way.” Instead, we can bring our pain honestly to God. Even Jesus modeled this in Gethsemane when He said, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” (Matthew 26:38). He didn’t deny His pain. He entrusted Himself to the Father.

Radical Acceptance says:

• “I don’t like this reality, but I accept that this is where things stand today.”

• “God, I entrust what I cannot control into Your hands.”

• “I can still choose peace, even while I wait.”

Radical Acceptance isn’t resignation or agreement. It’s releasing judgment and fight against reality so we can conserve our strength for healing and trust God with what we can’t change.

Skill 5: Self-Soothing – Finding God in the Senses

DBT also encourages self-soothing through the five senses. It offers ways of grounding the body so the heart and mind can re-center.

• Sight: Light a candle, look at nature, or open Scripture visually.

• Sound: Listen to calming worship music.

• Smell: Breathe in something comforting, like coffee or essential oils.

• Touch: Wrap up in a blanket or hold a cross in your hand.

• Taste: Slowly enjoy a warm cup of tea or nourishing food.

God designed our senses as pathways back to the safety of His presence.

The Final Word

Friend, your feelings matter, but they don’t get the final say.

When guilt says, “You’re unforgivable,” God says, “My grace is sufficient for you” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

When loneliness whispers, “You are invisible,” God says, “I see you” (Genesis 16:13).

When fear says, “You’re a failure,” God says, “My power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

The truth is, whether you feel it or not:

• You are loved.

• You are valuable.

• You are worthy.

• You belong.

Your feelings are real, but they are not your identity. Your identity is secure in the heart of a loving Father who calls you His own.

When Unresolved Grief Manifests as Codependency

Are you a parent who felt unprotected as a child, now rushing to shield your own child from every ache, frustration, or disappointment? 

Are you a spouse who stays in a destructive relationship, valuing loyalty above your own well-being because you never want anyone else to feel the abandonment you once experienced?

Are you a friend who never wants anyone else to feel the sting of rejection so you bend over backwards to keep others from ever feeling left out or unwanted?

If so, you may live with an aching awareness that the world is not fair. This comes from lived experience. Abuse, neglect, betrayal, abandonment: these wounds leave behind not just pain, but a deep longing for the world to be different than it is. That longing often becomes the hidden backdrop of codependency. What looks like over-caretaking, people-pleasing, or difficulty setting boundaries may actually be grief in disguise. Unresolved grief can fuel anxiety, which in turn drives the compulsive behaviors labeled as codependency.

Beyond Labels: Codependency and Grief

Codependency is often framed as a dysfunctional pattern of interacting with others, people-pleasing, lack of boundaries, or an unhealthy need for control. While there is some truth to these descriptions, the language can also feel shaming and surface-level. It suggests the problem is merely behavior, actions to change, rather than unacknowledged sorrow that needs healing.

But not all codependency manifests the same. For some people, the drive isn’t about needing to be needed. It’s about the anxiety of witnessing others’ pain, triggering unresolved grief from their own past.

The Cycle of Grief-Driven Codependency

The urge to rescue or fix can function almost like an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ritual: distress rises at the sight of suffering, an urgent need to act takes over, and relief comes only after helping.

• Trigger: Someone else’s pain.

• Anxiety: “I can’t bear this; I must do something.”

• Rescue/Fix: Step in, soothe, rescue, fix, over-function.

• Relief: Anxiety eases for a little while.

• Reinforcement: The brain learns that helping others feels good in the short term, which makes the pull to do it again stronger next time, even though it keeps us from finding healthier ways to respond.

Grieving may be a strategy for interrupting this cycle. If you can relate, you may need to grieve over what you, yourself, have longed for but never received. Especially if you recognize that your anxious helping is meant to prevent others from feeling the same pain you have known. Psychologist Pauline Boss calls this ambiguous loss. It is grief for something that never truly existed but should have. For those who grew up without protection, nurture, or fairness, the loss is real, but there is no funeral, no closure, no final goodbye. This kind of grief lingers in the background, showing up as codependent patterns as we unconsciously try to repair what was missing. Naming ambiguous loss gives language to the invisible wounds many carry and opens the door for true mourning.

The Hidden Bargain Behind Codependency

At the heart of grief-driven codependency lies a kind of bargain: “If I can rescue others, maybe my own pain will mean something. Maybe the world will finally feel fair and others won’t have to suffer like I have. I can be the hero to others that I need(ed).”

This subtle bargaining shows up in dropping everything to meet someone else’s needs, staying hyper-attuned to another person’s emotions, or pouring out so much energy for others that nothing is left for oneself. Anxiety drives these behaviors, but grief fuels the longing behind them. “If I don’t help, no one else will, and this person will remain in pain.” Often, the unconscious hope is that by giving others what we never received, we can rewrite our own story. Grieving can be the process of releasing that hope.

Remaining in this bargaining stage of grief can take a heavy toll. It can keep us from moving toward acceptance and will reinforce the lie that our identity and purpose are inextricably tied to our pain. It can lead to burnout, resentment, and even physical illness. Bargaining through codependency can prevent us from experiencing mutual, healthy relationships where both peoples’ needs are met. It is a way of surviving, but it keeps true healing out of reach.

Grieving

If grieving is one path to codependency recovery, what are some ways to begin?

• Name the loss. Write down the things you longed for but didn’t receive: safety, protection, nurture, fairness. Acknowledge that they were real needs, and their absence changed you. If you are particularly distressed about the suffering you see in others, try to name what it reminds you about your own life experiences

• Allow lament. Scripture is full of lament, an outpouring of sorrow before God (see Psalms 13, 22, and 42). Lament is not weakness or complaining. It is speaking the truth about life’s injustices. It is the holy practice of releasing our sorrow into God’s hands, acknowledging both the ache of unmet needs and the limits of what we can do as humans. In lament, we are freed from the pressure to intervene in every destructive dynamic around us.

• Hold symbolic funerals. At Boundless Hope, we have held funerals in our offices with clients. Not funerals for people who have died, but for what needed to be, what was hoped for vs. what actually is. These symbolic acts of mourning honor our ambiguous losses and give our hearts permission to grieve what never came to pass.

• Practice the pause. When the urge to rescue rises, experiment with waiting. Notice what you feel. Anxious? Helpless? Guilty? Sad? Sit with the feeling without immediately acting. This “exposure” allows your nervous system to learn a new truth: you can survive others’ pain without compulsively fixing it. Over time, this creates space for healthier, freer choices in how you respond. It may seem wrong or unloving to step back from others’ chaos, but sometimes what looks like “help” is really a way of quieting our own anxiety. Healing may look like restraint, trusting that God is the one who carries what we cannot.

• Release the bargain. Notice when helping others becomes a way of trying to rewrite your own story. Remind yourself of God’s redemptive nature. He is skilled at repurposing pain for our good and His glory. Sometimes the most faithful act is stepping back, entrusting others to God’s care, holding the ache, and trusting that He is present in pain.

• Seek safe spaces for mourning. Grief longs for witnesses. Therapy, support groups, or trusted friends can provide space to express sorrow and anxiety without judgment.

Grieving doesn’t mean becoming less compassionate. It means accepting sorrow as part of life and trusting God to heal what we cannot change. Grieving also doesn’t mean you stop helping others. It means you seek God’s wisdom to discern if He is calling you to get involved. When He does, we believe that He will enable you to give from a place of wholeness rather than emptiness.

Grieving With Hope and Despair

Grief is not a straight path, and part of grieving often includes moments, or even extended seasons, of depression, despair, or hopelessness. We encourage you to sit with these emotions. They are not roadblocks to your faith or disobedience to God. They are natural intersections we must pass through on the path to an eternity where our faith becomes sight. When you feel hopeless, let your breath be your hope. Inhale and exhale, with the stillness of believing that God is holding you, and everyone you love, in His hand. 

Not every wrong will be made right this side of eternity. We live in a fallen world that groans under the weight of sin and brokenness, and it is right to grieve that. In your moments of despair, go to God and let Him hold you. Bring your sorrow for the suffering in the world to the God who sees every tear (Psalm 56:8). Jesus Himself was “a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3). He understands. 

If you see yourself in this blog, we are here for you. We are equipped to teach you new ways of responding to the anxiety that may arise when you refrain from codependent behaviors that no longer serve you. We can also share distress tolerance strategies that will help you cope with your pain. We are eager to hear your story, hold space for your sorrow, and offer you a safe space to grieve.

Living Brave in the Midst of Fear

To The One Who Is Paralyzed By Fear,

I remember when I began to miss out on childhood dreams I had so desperately wanted to transform into realities: to sing that solo, act in that play, or even walk through a crowd of people while flashing my smile rather than hiding my anxiety-flooded eyes. As I grew older, I wanted to be the more outgoing version of myself that I knew was hidden and captive to fear. I wanted to talk to that boy without completely shutting down, only to feel, moments later, pain surging through my heart as he walked away. Another missed opportunity. Fleeting fear had begun to make its home in my soul.

Fear grew to become more intentional and personal; sometimes it kept me from following God’s directions and obeying His voice in daily interactions. There were definitely times I answered, “Yes,” but I was unable to fully surrender and therefore missed out on many blessings. However, God kept faithfully calling me.

As I found myself once again torn between my excitement to live out the plans God had for me and my solidifying fear, tears began to flow. I was scared to follow through because of the damage already done to my soul. I believed the fear was stronger than me.

“Surely, God, You have picked the wrong gal.”

“No,” He answered. “I have chosen you.”

I wanted to believe that but I couldn’t shake the thought that maybe He was wrong.

God: 0
Fear: 1 (and counting)

I was so tired of letting fear control my life, but my mind was consistently bombarded with its signature taunt, “What if?”

What if I fail?
What if I fall?
What if I’m persecuted or rejected?
What if I’m humiliated or disgraced?
What if people are negative or don’t like me?
What if?

I loathed myself for letting fear become such a stronghold in my life. But, here’s the uncomfortable truth, friend. I was an unintentional player in fear’s game. I fled when it pursued. I surrendered when it overcame and subdued me. As much as I hated the cycle, it was familiar and I was comfortable with the routine.

I was dismayed to realize that fear had become a destructive, but familiar home for me. In many ways, it kept me safe, but it also kept me tethered to the shore. I wasn’t forced to venture out into turbulent waters. I never had to worry about a spotlight shining down on all of my flaws and insecurities. I didn’t expect myself to be brave and neither did others. Fear ran my life until God strengthened me to a point where I could begin to say, “Enough.” 

I realized, I didn’t want to be lying in bed, breathing my last breath and looking back with regret on all of the missed chances God gave me to partner with Him in His will being done on earth. I wanted to live a life where fear was no longer in control, where it was no longer the voice I obeyed. I wanted to relentlessly pursue my Father’s heart, no matter the level of fear that it may bring. I wanted to trust Him in the middle of my trembling.

I wanted to be brave in the midst of fear, following God’s lead even when my knees knocked. I wanted to be a woman who walked forward with God while fear trailed behind, unseated from the driver’s seat. I wanted to be God’s warrior, equipped with His armor, in the spiritual battles I faced.

That’s my prayer for you too, dear reader.

Is your heart riddled with fear? Are you tormented by “what ifs”? Do you question your adequacy for the task God has laid before you? Do you wonder if someone else is better qualified? Are you scared to mess up or are you scarred with shame, remembering the times you began to follow God’s voice, got lost along the way, and turned back to fear’s beckoning?

Maybe you’re scared to try again because you can’t seem to get out of your past.

You’ve been-there-done-that-and-regret-it immensely, but you think that God would never want to use someone like you.

You look in the mirror and think, “I am not enough. I will never be enough.”

That was me. All me. Every fear. Every word. Every tear that was shed. Every reminder of my joy-crippling past. Fear had become my first name. My best friend. My security. My purpose.

So, hear me when I say, “You are not alone.” And, despite what anyone has ever told you, despite the lies you have believed for so long, God wants you. He wants you right now, where you are and as you are. He wants my heart riddled with countless fears, a joy-crippling past, insecurities and flaws. He wants all of me and all of you. Not because we are fearless and victorious. He wants us because we are His.

Run to Him. Let God take hold of that fear stronghold and loosen its grip. Let Him make you brave; bravery is not the absence of fear, but action and obedience in the midst of it. Life with the LORD is not free of fear. Life with the LORD is assurance that He is with you, even if your fears are realized. And that changes everything. Jesus said, “In this world you will have troubles but take heart. I have overcome the world.”

I want to encourage you to answer God’s calling on your life with the faith and bravery modeled by Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in Daniel 3. After refusing to bow down to King Nebuchadnezzar,’s golden statue, they said, “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand.” What faith, right? 

They acted with bravery grounded in the faith of God’s protection and also rested in the assurance of His presence no matter what the outcome. If, for reasons only God knows, this were to be one of the times where He chose not to intervene, the men were still committed to obeying Him. They continued declaring to King Nebuchadnezzar, “But even if he does not [deliver us], we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” That’s faith that acknowledges our limited understanding of the spiritual realm and entrusts itself to the God who works all things, even the scary and painful ones, together for our good in the end. 

The One who created the universe takes fear’s captives and transforms them into captivators of fear, able to live free from its control. God is the one who created our bodies and minds with the ability to feel scared. The emotion itself can be a valuable tool and often alerts you to genuine physical, emotional, or spiritual threats of danger. Don’t silence your fears. Listen to them and learn from them. And also, follow David’s example in Psalm 56:3 as he says, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” When you are wrestling with the “what ifs” in your life, name the fears, remember God’s presence, and declare your “even ifs.” 

Even if I fail, you are with me.

Even if I fall, you will catch me.

Even if I am persecuted or rejected, you accept me.

Even if I am humiliated or disgraced, you love me.

Even if people are negative or don’t like me, you delight in me. 

Even if I am scared, confused, and shaking, I will follow you.

Take my hand, friend, and with our toes dangling off the edge, let’s take a great leap of faith into the arms of God.

With you on the journey,

A Boundless Hope Therapist

Rewiring Anxiety: Finding Freedom Through EMDR

In today’s fast-paced world, anxiety has become an increasingly common experience for many people. It can feel overwhelming, pervasive, and, at times, debilitating. As Christian counselors, we believe that hope and healing are available through both spiritual truths and practical therapeutic approaches. One such method that has proven effective is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). While EMDR is often associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), it is also a powerful tool for addressing general anxiety and stressful situations, helping individuals find peace and freedom.

Understanding Trauma and Its Role in Anxiety

The Greek word for trauma, which means "wound," provides a meaningful perspective on how events impact us. Trauma is not merely the event itself but rather how it affects us internally. Trauma can stem from significant life events like job loss or divorce, which may feel as distressing as a criminal assault. Trauma is highly subjective; what deeply wounds one person may not affect another in the same way. Our experiences and perceptions shape how we process these events. 

Trauma can be divided into two categories:

1. Trauma by omission: This occurs when something essential should have happened but did not. For example, feeling you should have been married with a family by now, believing you deserved a promotion, or needing love and attention as a child but not receiving it.

   Claire’s childhood looked tranquil on the outside: no screaming, no chaos. But silence can also be a wound. Her parents were consumed by their own worries, too distracted or too weary to notice her loneliness. She learned early that needing comfort was dangerous because no one would come. Her trauma was one of omission—neglect that left her invisible. Now, when people get too close, anxiety whispers that she will be abandoned again, that no one will truly care.

2. Trauma by commission: This involves events that should not have happened. Examples include being spoken to lewdly by a professor, enduring abuse, or experiencing betrayal.

   Evan grew up in a house where rage filled every corner. His father’s shouts were thunderclaps; the bruises were proof that fear wasn’t imaginary. Each time the footsteps pounded down the hall, Evan’s heart would race in anticipation of another blow, another door slammed hard enough to rattle the pictures on the walls. His trauma was one of commission—injuries delivered, boundaries smashed, terror imposed. As an adult, anxiety became his constant companion, a vigilant sentry reminding him that safety could be shattered at any moment.

Regardless of the originating circumstances, traumatized people often have the same feeling: an unshakable dread that the world is never quite safe and neither are they. Both trauma by omission and by commission can leave lasting imprints on the mind and body, contributing to anxiety. These wounds may shape beliefs about yourself or the world, making it easy to over-identify with anxiety as part of your identity.

Anxiety: More Than a Diagnosis

Anxiety is often misunderstood as a fixed trait: “I am an anxious person.” This belief can feel limiting, as if anxiety is an unchangeable part of who you are. However, what if anxiety is better understood as a feeling, a response to circumstances, or a season of life? For many, anxiety is an overdevelopment of an adaptive response that once served a purpose, often in childhood as with the examples of Evan and Claire. It may have helped you maintain connection, avoid conflict, or cope with uncertainty.

The brain, however, does not always recognize time or context. It holds onto these adaptive patterns, replaying them as though they are still necessary. Anxiety, then, becomes a cognitive and physical experience, encompassing racing thoughts and bodily sensations like a pounding heart or shallow breathing. The brain seeks rest and calm, but it often gets stuck in these cycles of worry and fear. EMDR offers a way to address both the mental and physical aspects of anxiety, helping the brain find the peace it longs for. Whether your anxiety is a result of trauma, biology, or circumstances, EMDR has been helpful and even life-changing for many!

What Is EMDR?

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a therapeutic approach that helps individuals process distressing memories, thoughts, and feelings. It uses bilateral stimulation, such as side-to-side eye movements, to help the brain reprocess experiences that are stuck or unresolved. Unlike traditional talk therapy, EMDR focuses less on verbal expression and more on how the brain and body store and process memories.

The foundational principle of EMDR is that the brain has an innate ability to heal itself. When trauma or significant stress occurs, this natural process can become blocked, leaving the individual with unresolved emotions and beliefs. EMDR helps "unstick" these memories, enabling the brain to reprocess them in a healthier way. This can lead to reduced anxiety, improved self-beliefs, and greater emotional freedom.

How EMDR Addresses Anxiety

Anxiety is more than just thoughts; it’s also a physical experience. EMDR addresses both the cognitive and sensory aspects of anxiety, helping individuals:

• Identify triggers: EMDR helps uncover the root causes of anxiety, including past experiences or beliefs that fuel it. For example, a belief like “I am not safe” might originate from an unresolved childhood experience.

• Reprocess memories: By revisiting distressing memories in a safe and controlled environment, EMDR allows the brain to reprocess them. This can help change how these memories are stored, reducing their emotional intensity and influence on the present.

• Replace negative beliefs: EMDR helps individuals shift from negative self-beliefs (e.g., “I am powerless”) to positive ones (e.g., “I am capable and secure”).

• Regulate the body’s response: The physical sensations of anxiety, such as tension or restlessness, often diminish as the brain reprocesses distressing material. EMDR helps bring the nervous system back into balance, promoting a sense of calm.

EMDR Utilizes God’s Design of the Brain

As Christian counselors, we view anxiety and trauma through both a psychological and spiritual lens. Scripture reminds us that God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1). He desires for us to experience peace, not fear. EMDR aligns with this truth by helping individuals move from a place of bondage to freedom.

One of the beautiful aspects of EMDR is that it honors how God designed the brain to heal. The brain’s ability to reprocess and heal aligns with the biblical concept of renewal: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2). In EMDR, we see this renewal in action as the brain works to resolve past wounds and find rest.

Anxiety is not a life-sentence

Very few people need to suffer with anxiety forever. Healing is possible, even for those who feel deeply entrenched in their struggles. EMDR provides a path to:

• Freedom from past wounds: Whether your anxiety stems from a trauma of omission or commission, EMDR can help release the grip of these experiences. By reprocessing memories that keep you stuck, EMDR allows your brain to recognize that the threat is over. What once felt inescapable can gradually lose its power over your present life.

• Renewed beliefs: Anxiety often shapes beliefs about yourself or the world, such as “I am not enough” or “The world is unsafe.” EMDR helps replace these beliefs with life-giving truths. As you process old memories, you can begin to see yourself with greater compassion and trust that safety and worthiness are possible.

• Physical and emotional peace: Anxiety often feels like an endless cycle, but EMDR can interrupt this cycle, providing both emotional and physical relief. Clients frequently report feeling a sense of calm in their bodies and minds, sometimes for the first time in years. This peace creates space for hope, connection, and new possibilities.

You don’t have to face anxiety alone.

If you are struggling with anxiety, consider seeking out EMDR as a part of your healing journey. At Boundless Hope, we integrate evidence-based therapeutic practices like EMDR with the hope and truth found in Christ. You don’t have to face anxiety alone. Healing is possible, and we are here to walk with you every step of the way.

Remember, anxiety is not your identity. It is a feeling, a response to life’s challenges, and it can be addressed. Through EMDR and the renewing power of God’s love, you can find the peace and freedom you’ve been longing for.

Emotional Abuse Leaves Family Wounds

Yes, emotional abuse is absolutely a real thing. It involves behaviors that manipulate, control, or degrade someone’s sense of self-worth, often without physical violence. It can take many forms, such as:

• Verbal abuse: Insults, belittling, or constant criticism.

• Manipulation: Using guilt, fear, or other tactics to control or dominate.

• Isolation: Cutting someone off from friends, family, or support networks.

• Gaslighting: Making someone doubt their own perception or reality.

• Withholding affection or support: Using love or approval as a weapon.

• Threatening or intimidating behavior: Using threats to instill fear.

Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, though it's often harder to recognize because there are no visible marks. The effects of emotional abuse can last long after the relationship has ended, contributing to issues like anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and difficulty trusting others.

Thinking about the Unthinkable

You may want to save your marriage, or avoid divorce.  You may know that God hates divorce, or know that your friends and family don’t approve of divorce.  You always wanted to be married and have a family.  How could you consider sabotaging your own dream?  We can light the path and support and guide you through the web of thoughts and emotions that often come in the misery of unhappy marriages.

If you or someone you know is experiencing this, it’s important to seek support—whether from a therapist, counselor, or support group.  Boundless Hope can help you name what you are experiencing and create a road map out of what feels like a tormenting, vicious cycle.  

What about your kids?  How does this cycle impact your kids?  You do your best to contain the arguments behind closed doors.  You dry off the tears and smile when you pick them up after a heated argument.  You don’t want to put your kids through divorce. You know the scars of divorce on a child. You may even know them personally, all too well.  We know and we want to shoulder this weight with you and counsel you to a place of clarity, direction and healing. Today, we’d like to ask you to open your mind up to a painful truth; your children are already being impacted if you are experiencing emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse in a marriage can have profound, long-lasting effects on children, even if they aren't the direct targets of the abuse. Kids are incredibly perceptive and often pick up on the tension, fear, and unhealthy dynamics in their environment.

Witnessing Domestic Violence Impacts Children

1. Emotional and Psychological Impact

Fear and Anxiety: Children who witness emotional abuse may live in constant fear or anxiety, not knowing when the next outburst or manipulative behavior will occur.

Confusion and Insecurity: The inconsistency of emotional abuse—sometimes a parent is loving, and other times they’re cruel—can make children feel unstable and unsure of how to interact with others.

Low Self-Esteem: When one parent is emotionally abusive, it often leads to feelings of inadequacy or low self-worth in the child. They may internalize the criticism or neglect, believing they're unworthy of love or respect.

Depression or Anxiety: Over time, the stress from witnessing or being exposed to emotional abuse can result in mental health struggles, such as depression, anxiety, or difficulty regulating emotions.

2. Behavioral Issues

Aggression or Withdrawal: Some children might act out aggressively, mirroring the toxic behaviors they see. Others may withdraw completely, avoiding social situations or family interactions due to fear or confusion.

Difficulty with Relationships: Children who grow up in emotionally abusive households may struggle with forming healthy relationships as they get older. They may have a distorted view of what love and respect should look like, either tolerating abusive relationships themselves or becoming emotionally distant.

3. Role Reversal

In some cases, children may try to take on the role of "caretaker" for the emotionally abused parent, even though they are too young or unequipped to handle the emotional burden. This role reversal can place immense pressure on a child, forcing them to mature too quickly and robbing them of their childhood.

4. Normalizing Toxic Behavior

Children who grow up in emotionally abusive environments may come to see this behavior as "normal," or they may struggle to recognize it as unhealthy. This can set a dangerous precedent, leading them to either tolerate emotional abuse in their own relationships or even perpetuate it when they get older.

5. Long-Term Effects

Difficulty Trusting Others: If trust is broken in the family dynamic, children may struggle with trusting others in their adult lives, including partners, friends, or colleagues.

Chronic Stress: The constant emotional strain can affect physical health as well, leading to chronic issues like headaches, stomach problems, or sleep disturbances as the child grows older.

6. Risk of Repeating the Cycle

Children of emotionally abusive parents are at a higher risk of experiencing or perpetrating emotional abuse in their own relationships, simply because they may not have learned healthier models of communication or conflict resolution.

What Can Help Children Heal?

Therapy and Counseling: Children who have been exposed to emotional abuse can benefit greatly from therapy, where they can process their feelings and learn healthier coping strategies.

Supportive Role Models: Having another adult (like a teacher, relative, or family friend) who can provide a safe, stable, and loving example can make a big difference.

Creating a Safe Space: It’s important for children to know that the emotional abuse they witnessed or experienced is not their fault and that they deserve respect, love, and a healthy environment.

Freedom is Possible

If you’re considering your own emotional abuse cycle or  seeing signs of emotional abuse or its effects your child,  it’s really important to seek support from professionals who can help both your children and  you navigate this complex issue.  Boundless Hope is trained and ready to press into these dark, lonely confusing spaces with you.  We will bring our lanterns and hearts filled with empathy, kindness, and compassion. We can be a supportive presence as you find your way into the light

Shame grows in silence and judgment and Christ came to set the captives free.  We are waiting for you.  Call 813-219-8844. Email inquiry@boundlesshope.net or visit www.boundlesshope.net

It Is Also Written: Finding Healing Beyond the Quick Fix

Natalia buried her face in her hands and wept, choking out her story to the therapist. “My small group leader told me to memorize Philippians 4:6-7 and repeat it over and over until I believe it. So I’ve been doing that and writing a gratitude list every day. She said I wouldn’t feel so anxious if I got deeper into the Word and grew in my faith.”

“I want to,” Natalia insisted. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I believe in God’s promises, but I’m still in so much pain. It’s like my body is telling me to freak out but the Bible tells me to be still, pray, and trust God. I wish my faith was strong enough to conquer my fear!”

When Scripture Becomes a Burden Instead of a Balm

As Christian counselors, we are sadly far too familiar with stories like Natalia's. Some believers wrestle with reconciling their faith in God's promises with ongoing mental health struggles. They may have been taught that believing Scripture should be enough. When healing doesn't come quickly or easily, they can feel ashamed, discouraged, or confused; they may wonder what they’re doing wrong or begin to lose faith altogether.

At Boundless Hope, we believe deeply in the power of Scripture. We read the Bible, love the Bible, and incorporate it into our therapeutic relationships IF our clients desire. However, we also recognize that Bible verses can be, and have been at times, misused to condemn, accuse, judge or manipulate. Additionally, well-meaning Christians may reference verses out of context and unwittingly add to the load that their spiritual brothers or sisters carry by oversimplifying the recovery process for deep spiritual, mental, or emotional wounds. 

Healing is not about simply believing the Bible and pushing through the pain. It's about integrating faith, emotional health, and wise support.

Faith and Mental Health Are Not Rivals

The Bible tells us that God made humans in His image and He made us stewards of His creation (Genesis 1:27-28). YOU are His creation. It is not unspiritual to devote time, energy, and resources to being a good steward of your own heart, mind, soul, and body. No doubt, reading and studying the Bible is one form of soul stewardship. However, as we learn more about how our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations are intricately connected, we can incorporate additional stewarding strategies.

Good stewardship requires wisdom, growth, and adapting to new understanding. As you think about stewardship of yourself, consider a farming comparison. Centuries ago, farmers planted seeds and prayed for rain. Over time, they learned about crop rotation, soil health, irrigation, and sustainable practices. Gaining knowledge and applying it wisely does not stop godly farmers from praying that the LORD will bless their efforts. In the same way, as we learn more about how our brains, bodies, and emotions work, we have better tools to nurture mental and emotional health. 

Faith and science aren’t in opposition. They can work together, just like a farmer’s prayer and their plow.

The Bible Invites Us Into Relationship

Scripture absolutely holds powerful truth. Memorizing and meditating on Bible verses can be an excellent mental health strategy. However, it’s not a one-size-fits-all, miracle cure to whatever ails you. Sometimes, people treat the Bible like a list of quick fixes. This approach, although often well-meaning, can reduce Scripture to a prescription pad in an attempt to manage symptoms. 

Jesus Himself showed us a deeper way to engage with the written Word. He considered Scriptures in context, with compassion. He did not use it to shame those in pain, but to guide them toward a deeper relationship with the Father. It’s this attachment and connection to the Father that ushers in healing and hope, in God’s time. When we turn the Bible into a spiritual band-aid, we risk missing the deeper invitation God offers: a relationship, not a performance.

Healing in Christ is rarely instant. It’s a journey through valleys, deserts, and wilderness seasons, guided not by quick fixes, but by steady, faithful love. Similarly, Boundless Hope Counseling offers more than surface-level advice. We consider the whole person: mind, body, and spirit. When faith-based counseling integrates both Biblical truth and psychological wisdom, it creates space for real, lasting healing.

Twisted Scriptures

In the wilderness (Matthew 4:1–11), Satan tempted a hungry Jesus to prove His divinity by saying, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” Jesus did not argue or try to prove himself.  Instead, He grounded Himself in truth and replied, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

Then Satan took Jesus to the highest point of the temple and said, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down. For it is written: ‘He will command His angels concerning you… they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” Here, Satan was essentially saying, “If you really trust God, put yourself in danger and see if He saves you.”

This tactic is eerily similar to how Scripture is sometimes misused today to pressure people, especially those struggling with mental health, to prove their faith through reckless or harmful choices. Some modern equivalents might sound like:

“Jesus healed every disease and sickness. You need to stop using your medication as a crutch and start putting your faith in the Great Physician.” (Matthew 4:23)

“Perfect love casts out fear. If you really knew God’s love, you wouldn’t still be having panic attacks. You don’t need to go to a doctor. You need to go to church.” (1 John 4:18)

“You're a new creation in Christ and your depression is part of your old self. You need to claim the victory of the cross and rejoice in your true identity! Deny yourself and give to others. You’ll feel better.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

“You are having suicidal thoughts? Don’t say that out loud! The tongue has the power of life and death.” (Proverbs 18:21)

These statements may be framed as spiritual truth, but they can actually shame people into silence or self-neglect. They reflect a misunderstanding of both Scripture and the compassionate heart of God. Jesus never used Scripture to shame or manipulate the vulnerable. In fact, He pushed back against those who did. 

Jesus countered Satan’s 2nd attempt to weaponize the Bible by saying, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’” In saying this, Jesus anchored Himself back to His relationship with His Father and who He knew Him to be.

Jesus reminds us that Scripture is not a weapon to wield against the suffering but a guide to lead us into a relationship. The Bible holds many spiritual truths that require the Holy Spirit to discern their proper application and use. It is a living testimony of God’s love, patience, and invitation to walk with Him through every season—including the ones marked by pain, confusion, and mental struggle.

Have you been hurt by Christian counseling?

We’d like to speak to a challenging, but real dynamic that can happen during faith-based counseling. In recent decades, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which teaches that thoughts influence feelings and actions, has become a popular approach for many therapists, including faith-based counselors. While CBT is helpful for many people, it can be overly simplistic for those with trauma or chronic conditions. Distorted thinking is not the root of all emotional distress. Emotions and bodily sensations can arise without conscious thought. Trauma-informed CBT acknowledges this and it’s essential that clinicians be well-trained to use CBT appropriately.

When Christian counselors misapply CBT principles and support their assertions with scripture, it can be harmful. For example, they may have a linear understanding of CBT and say, “Emotions come from thoughts. The Bible tells us how to think. Change your thoughts to the biblical truths and you’ll change how you feel.” 

A harmful dynamic develops where deep emotional pain, trauma responses, or mental health struggles are reduced or even spiritualized in ways that increase shame. For example, a person experiencing depression might be told, “You need to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. You’re feeling this way because you believe lies. Believe the truth and you will feel better.” Instead of receiving empathy and support for what could be a complex combination of neurochemical, emotional, and relational pain, they are urged to “think better” and “believe more”. Now the depressed person has the additional weight of believing they are failing spiritually.

Someone with PTSD who feels constant anxiety in seemingly safe environments may be labeled as having a spirit of fear and be counseled, “God does not give you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. You’re allowing yourself to be ruled by the enemy.” This can be devastating to someone who needs help exploring the roots of their hypervigilance or validation of their nervous system’s response to past trauma. Such advice can make them feel like they’re far from God when, in fact, their body is doing what God made it to do. 

Someone wrestling with intrusive thoughts or obsessive-compulsive behaviors might be told, “You can be transformed by the renewing of your mind. The key to stopping these compulsive behaviors is to change what you’re obsessing about. You need to become obsessed with God instead of worldly things.” This dismisses the underlying neurological basis of their condition and reinforces internalized guilt for something that requires clinical and compassionate care. 

This approach can treat the symptoms of mental illnesses and injuries as sin that needs to be repented of rather than wounds that need to be healed. It is invalidating to tell someone who has endured years of abuse that their feelings of worthlessness are merely lies from Satan that they need to stop believing. Instead, we want to honor their pain, validate their story, and gently guide them toward a new, redemptive narrative. Healing isn't about snapping out of pain with a verse or a thought. It's about walking patiently, hand-in-hand with Christ, through the valley. 

Start Your Healing Journey Today

If you’ve ever felt torn between trusting God and seeking professional mental health support, you’re not alone. The good news is that you don’t have to choose.

At Boundless Hope Christian Clinical Counseling we frequently witness redemptive healing and abounding hope. We believe this healing is cultivated through premier psychotherapy services aligned with biblical theology, provided by well-trained, supervised, clinically astute followers of Christ. We implement evidence-based therapeutic methods while remaining open and sensitive to the working of the Holy Spirit. 

The Bible was never meant to be a self-help manual or a checklist of emotional cures. It’s the living story of God's love, our brokenness, His redemption, and our ongoing reconciliation to our Creator. Jesus didn't walk up to hurting people and say, "Here’s a verse, now feel better."

He walked with them. He touched them. He listened to them. He wept with them.

Faithful engagement with Scripture is not about forcing feelings to change immediately. It’s about seeking and abiding in the God who transforms us over time. If you're ready to begin walking toward wholeness, with counselors who honor both your faith and humanity, we would be honored to partner with you. Contact us today to schedule a FREE 15-minute phone consultation.

Listening with Your Eyes

Listening is often thought of as something we do with our ears — but what if the most powerful listening happens with our eyes?

In a world where so many feel unseen and misunderstood, choosing to truly see others can communicate love more deeply than words ever could. Today, let’s explore how Jesus’ encounter with the woman at the well reveals a beautiful invitation: to listen not just by hearing, but by seeing. Listening is a language that communicates love!

The Pain of Not Feeling Heard

Consider conflict you once had with someone. Amidst the arguing it’s possible one of two phrases was said: “You’re not hearing me,” or “You’re not listening to what I’m saying.” Whether you were the one who said this or the one who heard it, take a moment to pause and ask yourself, “Why does this bother me so much?” If you’re not sure, try finishing this statement, “This reminds me of ……” Conflicts often touch something deeper than the topic at hand. They can stir up old wounds of feeling dismissed, invisible, or misunderstood. Recognizing what a moment reminds us of can help us see the real issue beneath the surface. To illustrate, let’s look at a common example:

Mark and Rachel were talking about finances, but their real issue was not truly hearing or seeing one another’s hearts. They were missing each others’ deeper fears, hopes, and needs. Beneath the surface of dollars and decisions was something more tender: a longing to be understood, valued, and supported.

Is it possible that with the scenario above or with the one you considered from your own life that, deep down, lack of listening communicated a deeper message: “I feel unseen. I feel unknown. I feel misunderstood.” And, ultimately, “I feel unloved.” The reality is, all can be true when we feel unheard or unseen. The Woman at the Well is all too familiar with this experience. 

Seen, Known, and Loved: Encountering Jesus

In John 4, a Samaritan woman came to a local well to draw water. A man (whom we know is Jesus, but the woman is not yet aware) sat off to the side and asked her to give Him some water. Realizing He was a Jew, the Samaritan woman questioned why He would ask her for a drink (in this time, Jews and Samaritans did not associate with one another). It was politically incorrect, to put it simply.

While the Samaritan woman could not understand why this Jew was not only talking to her, but listening to what she was saying, she continued to converse with this Man. He spoke of water far greater than any well could hold – water that would allow man and woman to never thirst again – water that only He could give.

“Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

— John 4:13-14 (NIV)

The woman asked Him to give her this eternal water so she would no longer thirst. The Man replied: “Go get your husband and come back.” When the woman responded that she had no husband, that is when the Man spoke of what no one else could know but the Messiah Himself: “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.” (John 4:18, NIV)

After the woman thought this Man was a prophet, the Man finally revealed Himself as the Messiah. “Then Jesus declared, ‘I, the One speaking to you – I am He’.” (John 4:26, NIV) The woman then went back into town and told everyone of the Messiah Who told her everything that she ever did. Because of this, Scripture tells us that “…many of the Samaritans from that town believed in Him because of the woman’s testimony, ‘He told me everything I ever did’.” (John 4:39, NIV)

What does the interaction between Jesus and the Samaritan woman teach us about listening?

While the Scripture about the Woman at the Well is solely focused on how and where and from Whom to receive the Living Water, we can learn a thing or two from Jesus within this interaction and conversation.

Jesus Met Her Where She Was

The first notable point is that Jesus met her at the well. He strategically positioned Himself to meet her where she was at, and not only for when she arrived, but before. Jesus came to the well in anticipation of her arrival. He went before her, making the necessary preparations for when she would show up.

When the woman came to the well, Jesus was willing to see her – not as a Samaritan woman who is not to be conversing with a Jew, not as someone who had been accused and judged by others because of her actions, and not as an individual who was used to being misunderstood, unheard, and not listened to, but as a daughter of the Heavenly Father worthy to be FOUND, worthy to be SEEN, worthy to be HEARD, worthy to be UNDERSTOOD, and worthy to be LOVED.

Jesus Listened With His Ears and His Eyes

The second notable point is that Jesus listened. He listened with His ears to understand what the woman was saying, yes. But He also listened with His eyes to see the woman – not for what she had done, but for who she was, and for Who she belonged to. He saw her, and He recalled her actions not with accusation but as an account that communicated to her: He knows me. Intimately.

And it was that act of Jesus that became the woman’s testimony that saved the lives of many. Why? All because Jesus listened.

Holistic Listening*

Listening isn’t always done with just our ears. Listening, often, happens more with our eyes. While our ears are needed to hear someone, our eyes are necessary to see someone. But like Jesus exemplified, listening isn’t the first step; strategically positioning yourself is.

• Present Position: We want to position ourselves into a posture that promises to the person speaking to us that we are present. We are engaged and ready to receive what they are eager to express. This communicates to them that we are meeting them where they are at. You can use these small physical cues to signal that you are present and focused: put down distractions, maintain eye contact, and face the person directly with your arms uncrossed and open.

• Listen to the Words: We want to listen to the words that someone is speaking to us, and we want to listen to their language. Do their words reflect catastrophizing (“This is a disaster!” / “My life is over!”), exaggerating, or all-or-nothing thinking (always, never, everyone, no one)? These can all indicate that a person is feeling overwhelmed, helpless, frustrated, anxious, depressed or trapped.

• Hear the Emotions: We want to hear, not just what they are saying, but how they are feeling. What emotions can you hear drowning in their dialogue? Can you tune into the emotional tone of their voice? Are they sounding anxious, sad, or hopeful? Are they speaking quickly (may indicate urgency or anxiety) or slowly (may suggest thoughtfulness or sadness)? Are they speaking loudly (possible anger or frustration) or quietly (may indicate shyness or uncertainty)? Identifying the emotions behind the words will help you connect with their heart.

• See the Whole Person: We want to see the person for all that they are, not just what they’ve done. This allows us to pause and process what is being spoken through a lens of grace. Because when we see the person as what they’ve done, we can be quick to quiet them, leaving them feeling unheard, misunderstood, and, ultimately, unloved. But when we actively choose to see them as a whole person instead, we are better able to receive their words through a heart of acceptance vs. a head of accusation.

  We can pray that God will open the eyes of our hearts and see what He sees. We can view others as image-bearers of God, beloved sons or daughters, created in love and for love. For example, rather than seeing a spouse’s frustration only as impatience, we can remember they are a person carrying fears and longings. Instead of viewing a teenager’s sarcasm solely as rebellion, we can see a heart that longs to be known and free.

Final Encouragement

Are you ready to put that all together? Next time you’re chatting with a colleague, speaking with your spouse, talking with your teen, or fighting with your friend, remember our holistic listening tips: Position yourself into a posture that welcomes their words and listen with your eyes.

Jesus models this kind of listening. He doesn't just hear our words — He sees our hearts. As we follow His example, may we become people who truly listen, offering others the healing experience of being seen, known, and loved. If you find yourself longing to be heard or hoping to listen better, know that you don't walk alone. Reach out today!

At Boundless Hope, we are here to walk with you on your journey toward deeper connection and Christ-like love.

*Editor’s Note: The term “Whole-body Listening,” used in the initial publication of this article, has been replaced with “Holistic Listening.” This change was made in response to valid feedback we received from readers about the history and application of the phrase “whole-body listening” in classrooms. We recognize that in academic settings, “whole-body listening” can be a problematic expectation for neurodivergent students.

We do not want to judge or exclude anyone, including those who are neurodivergent. Things like eye contact or stillness can be challenging or uncomfortable for many people—and that doesn’t mean they aren’t listening. This post is not advocating for rigid, one-size-fits-all listening behaviors. Instead, it’s about how people, particularly neurotypical ones, may feel heard through things like eye contact and presence. Our goal is to build understanding and compassion on both sides, not to prescribe one “right” way to listen.

Unwholesome Talk: A Biblical and Mental Health Perspective

Speak with Impact in Mind, Not Just Intent

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Some people interpret this verse as a warning against profanity or crude jokes, but the original Greek text suggests something much deeper. The word "unwholesome" comes from sapros, which means rotten, useless, or unhelpful; it’s used to describe spoiled food that no longer nourishes. Imagine giving a starving person a rotten banana. It may feel like an act of generosity, but it is ultimately useless and even harmful. Similarly, words spoken with good intentions can be useless, even harmful, if we don’t consider our listener or their needs. Paul is encouraging the Ephesian Christians to consider the impact of their words.

Have you ever thought, “I’m just speaking the truth" when you share a Bible verse to call out sin, correct someone, or give tough advice? Truth without love can wound and love does not come in a "one-size-fits-all" package. Understanding the truth, and speaking it in love, often requires a relationship built on trust and compassion. If we don't consider the listener, words meant to help can actually harm. Similarly, if we focus only on our intent rather than the impact of our words, our words may be unwholesome (unhelpful). While intent is about the speaker; impact is about the listener.

Ephesians 4:29 isn’t just about avoiding certain words; it’s about speaking in a way that genuinely benefits others. In the context of mental health, this aligns with communication strategies that foster encouragement, healing, and understanding. 

Let’s break it down into three key parts to see how mental health concepts can equip us to obey scripture:

Do Not Let Any Unwholesome Talk Come Out of Your Mouths, But Only What Is Helpful" — Active Listening

When we think about wholesome speech, it’s not just about avoiding harmful words—it’s about choosing words that truly help. That begins with active listening: fully engaging with someone’s words and emotions before offering a response. Psychologically, words have the power to shape emotions, self-perception, and even brain chemistry.

What Is Active Listening?

Active listening means fully engaging with someone as they speak, with the goal of connecting and understanding what the world looks like through their eyes. It’s not just about making the other person feel heard and understood, it’s about actually hearing and understanding their truth. 

Key Elements of Active Listening:

• Be present. Give your full attention and make eye-contact; pause your mind to process what the other person is expressing.ze negative thought patterns and replace them with truth, aligning their minds with God’s Word. Check out these CBT-based strategies that may help:

• Listen for understanding, not to prepare for your response. Instead of formulating what you’ll say next, focus on what the other person is communicating through both their words and emotions.

• Paraphrase or reflect their words back to check your understanding. Sometimes you’ll find that you misunderstood what the speaker was saying or hearing their own words may help the speaker realize they want to clarify or correct themselves. “She never called you back? I can imagine you felt used in that situation.”

• Validate their feelings. Acknowledge their experience rather than dismissing it. You’re not agreeing or disagreeing with how they feel. You’re simply observing what is real about how they feel and confirming that you recognize their feelings. For example: “That sounds really painful. I can see why you feel that way.”

• Ask clarifying and open-ended questions. Instead of assuming, say: “Can you tell me more about that?”

• Respond with empathy. Offer words that comfort, encourage, or clarify, rather than criticize. Even if the person has made wrong choices, imagine how they feel.

Regardless of the approach you choose, the goal of active listening is to withhold judgment and understand the person’s inner world. You want them to feel seen. Consider how different responses can impact someone who is struggling. If a friend says, "I'm so overwhelmed," the response matters:

❌ Unhelpful: “God won’t give you more than you can handle. You just need to trust Him more.” (Dismisses their struggle and adds pressure.)
✅ Helpful: “That sounds really hard. I’m here for you.” (Acknowledges their feelings and offers support.)

“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”

— Proverbs 25:11

Timing Matters

Active listening doesn’t mean you never correct someone. It means you discern when correction is actually helpful. If a person is overwhelmed, hurting, or venting, they may not be in a place to receive advice yet. In those moments, what they need most is to be heard. Consider Proverbs 25:11: "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." Timing and delivery matter. Before jumping to correction, ask yourself: “Is this the right moment? Does this person need to feel understood first or do I need to gain a better understanding of their situation first?”

The opposite of unwholesome talk isn’t just avoiding harmful words—it’s intentionally choosing words that are helpful. Sometimes, the best words are no words at all; just listening with love. 

“Helpful for Building Others Up According to Their Needs” — A Strengths-Based Approach

The phrase “building others up” is often translated as edifying, which means to strengthen or encourage. But edification is not one-size-fits-all. True encouragement considers the other person’s individual needs rather than assuming what we think is true or best for them. At Boundless Hope, our therapists, don’t simply follow a medical model of diagnosing illness and prescribing remedies. We take a strengths-based approach that highlights inner resilience and resourcefulness.

What Is A Strengths-Based Approach?

A strengths-based approach is a form of positive psychology that begins with the assumption that we were all created with beneficial qualities and characteristics. This is right in line with the Christian belief that we are all made in the image of our Creator. Identifying and developing strengths improves relationships and personal wellness. That’s why we believe therapy is for everyone. Not everyone is mentally ill but we can all grow and improve our mental health. Let’s explore a few ways a Strengths-Based approach can build others up.

Adopting a Strengths-Based Approach In Conversation

• Focus on Strengths and Assets: When giving feedback or support, center the conversation on what is already working well. Identify personal qualities, skills, or resources the person can leverage to navigate challenges.

• Recognize Effort: Instead of focusing solely on outcomes, acknowledge the hard work someone has put into a task or challenge. Effort often goes unseen, but recognizing it can motivate and reinforce perseverance. This emphasizes the process rather than just the outcome, reinforcing perseverance and resilience. It shifts the focus from success or failure to ongoing growth.

• Approach Setbacks as Learning Opportunities: Rather than viewing struggles as failures, help reframe them as opportunities for learning. Mistakes can be stepping stones toward growth. This shift in perspective can build resilience and self-compassion.

• Acknowledge Personal Expertise: Can a person be deceived? Yes. However, in general, people are the experts on their own lives. Instead of assuming what they need, ask questions and listen deeply. Sometimes, a person doesn’t need advice to build them up. Sometimes they just need a listening ear and a silent witness. They can tell you what feels supportive.

• Highlight Potential: Speak to what someone is capable of becoming, not just who they are right now. Remind them of their strengths and talents, especially when they struggle to see them in themselves. This inspires hope and forward movement, which is especially valuable for those feeling stuck or discouraged.

Just as we nourish our bodies with good food, we can nourish others with words that meet their specific needs. In order to do this, we must learn about their needs through active listening. Then we can take a strengths-based approach if they are open to feedback. Focus on recognizing and amplifying a person’s existing strengths rather than dwelling on their weaknesses. It’s the difference between telling someone to stop being impatient vs. teaching someone strategies for cultivating patience.

Mike struggled with anger issues and often reacted harshly when corrected. His friend James decided some tough love was in order and bluntly told him, “You need to get control of your temper before you ruin your relationships.” While James meant well, his words only made Mike defensive.

A strengths-based approach would have sounded more like: “I know you care deeply about the people in your life. I’ve seen you be patient and kind before. What has helped you stay calm in those moments?” This approach affirms Mike’s ability to change, rather than condemning him.

James wasn’t wrong in warning Mike, however, he set Mike up more for success by appealing to his strengths and past successes.

“That It May Benefit Those Who Listen” — THINK About the Impact of Your Words

The word benefit in this verse is charis, which is often translated as grace. This means our words are not merely meant to be truthful and loving but to extend grace to others. A helpful guide for applying this principle is the THINK framework, which encourages us to ask before speaking:

T – Is it True?

H – Is it Helpful?

I – Is it Inspiring?

N – Is it Necessary?

K – Is it Kind?

If what we are about to say does not meet these criteria, it may be better left unsaid. As we noted earlier, the Bible tells us to speak the truth in love. It also tells us in John 1:14 that Jesus is “full of grace and truth.” Communication rooted in grace transforms relationships and reflects the heart of God.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Unwholesome talk isn’t just about avoiding harmful words; it’s about intentionally speaking in a way that brings life, healing, and encouragement. Our words can be a reflection of Christ’s love, truth, and grace. When we take the time to learn about the people around us and understand their needs, we are better positioned to support them in a way that is truly helpful and beneficial.

We understand that communication plays a vital role in mental and emotional well-being. If you are struggling with how to communicate in a way that fosters healthy relationships, you do not have to navigate this alone. Our Christ-centered counseling approach integrates biblical principles with evidence-based therapy to help you build healthier, more life-giving patterns of speech and grace-filled relationships. Reach out today to learn more about the services we offer and the hope we have!

Faith and Anxiety: Finding Peace Through God and Professional Support

Faith and Mental Health: A Deep Connection

At Boundless Hope, we understand that faith and mental health can be deeply intertwined. Many believers find immense comfort in their relationship with God. Their mental health is strengthened by leaning on prayer, scripture, and their Christian community to navigate life’s struggles. Faith offers us all a foundation of hope, reminding us that we are never alone in our suffering.

As Jesus said, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

Scripture’s Guidance for Anxiety

The Bible offers both comfort and guidance for those who wrestle with worry. Paul writes to the church at Philippi:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

— Philippians 4:6-7

If you struggle with anxiety, you may be very familiar with this verse and puzzled as to why your faith strengthens you but doesn’t always make the battles in your mind disappear. If the weight of worry feels insurmountable, you may even wonder if you are somehow failing spiritually or if seeking professional help means you lack trust in God’s healing power. You may also be carrying an unspoken burden of fearing judgment from fellow believers. Well-meaning advice like “just pray more” or “trust God and give Him your anxieties” may leave you feeling unseen and misunderstood. That makes sense!

We do not view this passage as a condemnation of anxiety as sin, but rather an invitation to bring our fears before God. Through prayer, we can cultivate trust in His sovereignty, while also acknowledging the very real struggles we face. Additionally, scripture does not call us to carry our burdens alone. God created us to need community, support, and wisdom that often comes through others. Our team of clinicians are well-trained professionals and believers. They can help you understand and manage anxiety in a way that honors God, while guiding you toward greater peace.

The Many Layers of Anxiety

Anxiety, like any other struggle, has many layers. Sometimes it is rooted in past trauma or difficult life circumstances. Other times, it stems from imbalances in the brain, chronic stress, or even physical health conditions (like thyroid problems or heart disease). The weight of anxiety can feel overwhelming, making it difficult to focus on daily responsibilities or experience the joy of God’s presence.

Take Felecia, for example. She grew up in a family where anxiety seemed like a shadow passed down through generations. Her grandma rarely left the house, her father struggled with constant worry, and now Felecia finds herself battling the same restless thoughts. Even though she leans on verses like we mentioned above, the anxiety remains. She prays, but her body still feels tense, her heart races at night, and she can't shake the constant feeling of dread. Genetics and brain chemistry are not things she can pray away, but understanding them allows her to approach her struggle with both faith and wisdom.

Seeking professional help does not mean Felecia lacks faith—it means she is using the tools God has provided.

Faith and Professional Help: Not Opposing Forces

We believe that trusting God and seeking support go hand in hand. Whether your anxiety stems from genetics, past trauma, or daily stressors, you are not alone. Healing is not about having perfect faith; it’s about allowing God to meet you in your struggle and guiding you toward the help you need. Seeking professional support is a courageous step toward healing.

Just as we would seek medical care for a broken bone, God calls us to pursue wisdom, which includes caring for our mental well-being. Counseling provides a space where faith and therapy work hand in hand, equipping individuals with tools to manage anxious thoughts while deepening their spiritual walk.

Consider Mark, a devoted husband and father. He has always found peace in reading the Psalms. But after losing his job, financial stress began weighing on him like never before. Each morning, he reads Psalm 42:11 where David says: “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” Yet still, the heaviness in his chest does not lift.

Mark’s once-steady faith is now accompanied by racing thoughts, sleepless nights, and an overwhelming sense of failure. The stress of his circumstances is not just mental but physical. His chest tightens, his stomach churns, and exhaustion follows him throughout the day. He trusts God, but his body is responding to real stress. He needs more than faith and willpower to cope.

Practical Strategies for Managing Anxiety

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective approaches for managing anxiety. It helps individuals recognize negative thought patterns and replace them with truth, aligning their minds with God’s Word. Check out these CBT-based strategies that may help:

• Identify Negative Thoughts: Keep a journal to track anxious thoughts. Write down specific situations that trigger anxiety and note your automatic thoughts about them.

• Challenge Negative Thoughts: Once you identify these thoughts, question their validity. Are they based on facts? What evidence supports or contradicts them?

• Reframe Your Thoughts: Replace negative thoughts with more balanced, realistic ones. For example, instead of thinking, “I’ll fail at this,” try, “I can prepare and do my best.”

• Gradual Exposure: Face your fears gradually. Start with less anxiety-provoking situations and work your way up to more challenging ones. This helps desensitize you to anxiety triggers.

• Relaxation Techniques: Practice deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or mindfulness meditation to reduce physical symptoms of anxiety.

• Behavioral Activation: Engage in activities that bring you joy or fulfillment. This can counteract feelings of anxiety and improve your mood.

• Problem-Solving Skills: Break down overwhelming problems into manageable steps. Focus on what you can control and take action where possible.

• Establish a Routine: Creating a daily routine can provide structure and predictability, which can be comforting when feeling anxious.

Implementing these techniques consistently can help you manage anxiety more effectively. If you find it challenging to do this on your own or want to learn other tools, consider working with one of our therapists trained in CBT.

You Are Not Alone: Seeking Help is a Step of Faith

Anxiety often clouds our ability to see beyond our current struggles, but God’s Word reassures us that there is hope beyond the pain. Healing takes time, and it may require a combination of spiritual disciplines, professional counseling, and practical lifestyle changes such as exercise, healthy nutrition, and rest. We believe that combining faith and action leads to deep, holistic healing. Seeking therapy is actively engaging in the healing process God desires for you.

If you are struggling with anxiety, know that you do not have to carry this burden alone. At Boundless Hope, we integrate clinical expertise with a Christ-centered approach to help you find peace. Whether through counseling, support groups, or simply having a trusted space to talk, we are here to walk alongside you. We encourage you to take the first step today by reaching out to us, a trusted friend, or other resources available to you. God’s peace can fill the spaces where fear has taken hold. You are not alone, and there is always hope!