Loving Our Neighbor When It Feels Hard
There are seasons in life when the gap between us and the people around us feels especially wide. Maybe it’s a difference in how we see the world, how we make decisions, or how we respond to challenges. When our beliefs or preferences get challenged, even about something as simple as our favorite sports team or the “right” way to load the dishwasher, it can feel surprisingly personal. That’s because the brain doesn’t always distinguish between small disagreements and bigger ones.
When we feel our identity or values are under threat, the amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) activates. Stress chemicals like cortisol flood the body, and the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that helps with empathy, reasoning, and perspective, can temporarily go offline. This can make it difficult to live out love when we feel misunderstood, dismissed, or even hurt.
If you’re struggling with empathy, your brain may be instinctively trying to keep you safe. But with intentional practices, when we are not truly in danger, we can calm the alarm system and re-engage the parts of the brain God created that increase our compassion for others. I John 3:18 reminds us that love is a verb by encouraging us to go beyond words and love “in deed and in truth.” To that goal, we’d like to offer some practical, evidence-based tools to consider that may help bridge divides and nurture compassion, even when it feels hard.
1. Practice Active Listening
Instead of preparing a response while the other person is speaking, focus fully on understanding what they are trying to express. The goal is not to judge or compare what they think to what you think. Instead, listen with the goal of understanding what the world looks like through their eyes. Active listening also teaches us to summarize back what you’ve heard. This gives the other person a chance to correct or clarify your understanding of their view.
When we listen without interrupting, the prefrontal cortex gets a chance to stay engaged rather than letting the amygdala run the show. Reflecting back what we’ve heard tells the other person, and our own nervous system, that the situation is safe for dialogue. Research shows active listening reduces defensiveness, increases empathy and helps people feel seen.
Example: Imagine your neighbor says, “Summer is the best season!” You hate hot summers and are convinced fall is better. Instead of jumping in with your reasons, you respond, “So you really enjoy the heat and long days?” That small reflection lowers the “threat signal” in both of your brains, keeping the conversation light instead of tense. Listening with curiosity creates space for connection.
2. Set Healthy Boundaries
Loving your neighbor does not mean you agree with them or even have to listen to all of their opinions. We live in a world of social media where people have many avenues to express themselves. You still can choose which conversations or which post you welcome into your mind. Think of boundaries as a way to protect both you and your relationships. When we calmly communicate what is okay and not okay for us, we reduce resentment and create the possibility for healthier connection.
On the flip side, when people fear being overrun by having their views dominated or invalidated in a conversation, the amygdala stays hyper-alert. Boundaries reassure the brain’s limbic system that you’re not in danger. That sense of safety allows the anterior cingulate cortex, a region involved in emotional connection, to stay open, so love doesn’t get drowned out by fear.
Example: Your coworker insists that pineapple is the best pizza topping. You find it unappetizing, but instead of arguing or forcing yourself to agree, you laugh and say, “I’ll let you enjoy that one but I’ll stick to pepperoni.” Then change the subject. You’ve set a clear but kind boundary that this isn’t something you want to debate, thus keeping your brain from slipping into defensiveness. Clear boundaries make room to show love.
3. Engage in Perspective-Taking
This means intentionally imagining what life might look and feel like in the other person’s shoes. Studies show that perspective-taking increases empathy and reduces conflict. It helps us shift from, “How can they think that?” to, “I wonder what experiences shaped this point of view.” The brain has what are called “mirror neurons,” which help us imagine what others feel. But when the amygdala detects a threat, that system shuts down. Intentionally practicing perspective-taking reactivates these neural pathways and helps us reconnect with empathy.
Example: Your meet you friend for coffee on a chilly day and they declare that cold weather is the best. You can’t stand being cold and have felt irritable all morning so your first instinct is to complain. Instead of snapping back or brushing it off, you picture what it feels like for them. You imagine how peaceful they might feel wearing a cozy sweater, drinking hot cocoa, or watching a gentle snow fall. Even though you don’t share the preference, imagining their joy helps to reactivate empathy circuits in your brain.
4. Use Self-Regulation Skills
When we feel flooded with emotions, it’s difficult to respond with love. Fight-or-flight mode can overwhelm the body with adrenaline and cortisol. Practices like slow breathing or grounding strategies activate the parasympathetic nervous system (the body’s “calm down” system), which lowers amygdala reactivity. This makes it easier for the prefrontal cortex to come back online, restoring our ability to think clearly and care deeply.
Example: Someone insists their favorite team is clearly superior to yours. You feel a little surge of irritation. Instead of snapping back, you pause, take a slow breath, and remind yourself, “This isn’t worth arguing. Sports are not more important than how I treat the person in front of me.” That pause helps calm your brain and reset before you respond with humor or kindness. A calm body supports a compassionate heart.
5. Practice Small Acts of Kindness
The flight response can urge us to isolate ourselves from people who have opposing views to ours. Simple gestures like checking in on a neighbor, holding a door, or even smiling to a stranger build in humanity trust over time. Research suggests kindness not only strengthens relationships but also boosts our own well-being by releasing oxytocin, a hormone that promotes bonding, reduces activity in the amygdala, and increases the brain’s ability to connect socially. In short, kindness biologically counteracts the pull to withdraw so love can grow stronger in small, steady steps.
Example: Even though you think the music your neighbor blasts as they pull into their garage each day is questionable, you still bring their trash bin in from the curb when they forget. Small gestures not only strengthen the relationship but also reinforce in your own brain that connection is safe.
We are here to help promote love!
Learning to love our neighbors when it feels hard is not about pretending differences don’t exist or silencing our own values. It’s about calming the parts of our brain that feel threatened so we can choose love as Christ calls us to do. If you notice your empathy is weak, think of it as the brain doing its protective job. But don’t stop there. By choosing to listen, set boundaries, imagine another’s perspective, regulate ourselves, and practice kindness, we’re inviting the brain back into connection, retraining both our nervous system and hearts toward love. These skills take time and practice to be effective. For many people, this is where support makes all the difference.
At Boundless Hope, our therapists walk alongside you to unpack practical strategies like grounding, breathing, or boundary-setting in ways that fit your unique story. Together, we integrate evidence-based tools with the hope of Scripture so you can strengthen your relationships, reduce stress, and experience God’s peace in daily life.
If you find yourself struggling to bridge divides, feeling emotionally flooded, or longing for more compassion in your relationships, you don’t have to figure it out alone. We’d be honored to help you practice these tools in a safe, supportive space. Reach out today to schedule an appointment and take the next step toward living out love, even when it feels hard.