When Unresolved Grief Manifests as Codependency
Are you a parent who felt unprotected as a child, now rushing to shield your own child from every ache, frustration, or disappointment?
Are you a spouse who stays in a destructive relationship, valuing loyalty above your own well-being because you never want anyone else to feel the abandonment you once experienced?
Are you a friend who never wants anyone else to feel the sting of rejection so you bend over backwards to keep others from ever feeling left out or unwanted?
If so, you may live with an aching awareness that the world is not fair. This comes from lived experience. Abuse, neglect, betrayal, abandonment: these wounds leave behind not just pain, but a deep longing for the world to be different than it is. That longing often becomes the hidden backdrop of codependency. What looks like over-caretaking, people-pleasing, or difficulty setting boundaries may actually be grief in disguise. Unresolved grief can fuel anxiety, which in turn drives the compulsive behaviors labeled as codependency.
Beyond Labels: Codependency and Grief
Codependency is often framed as a dysfunctional pattern of interacting with others, people-pleasing, lack of boundaries, or an unhealthy need for control. While there is some truth to these descriptions, the language can also feel shaming and surface-level. It suggests the problem is merely behavior, actions to change, rather than unacknowledged sorrow that needs healing.
But not all codependency manifests the same. For some people, the drive isn’t about needing to be needed. It’s about the anxiety of witnessing others’ pain, triggering unresolved grief from their own past.
The Cycle of Grief-Driven Codependency
The urge to rescue or fix can function almost like an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ritual: distress rises at the sight of suffering, an urgent need to act takes over, and relief comes only after helping.
Trigger: Someone else’s pain.
Anxiety: “I can’t bear this; I must do something.”
Rescue/Fix: Step in, soothe, rescue, fix, over-function.
Relief: Anxiety eases for a little while.
Reinforcement: The brain learns that helping others feels good in the short term, which makes the pull to do it again stronger next time, even though it keeps us from finding healthier ways to respond.
Grieving may be a strategy for interrupting this cycle. If you can relate, you may need to grieve over what you, yourself, have longed for but never received. Especially if you recognize that your anxious helping is meant to prevent others from feeling the same pain you have known. Psychologist Pauline Boss calls this ambiguous loss. It is grief for something that never truly existed but should have. For those who grew up without protection, nurture, or fairness, the loss is real, but there is no funeral, no closure, no final goodbye. This kind of grief lingers in the background, showing up as codependent patterns as we unconsciously try to repair what was missing. Naming ambiguous loss gives language to the invisible wounds many carry and opens the door for true mourning.
The Hidden Bargain Behind Codependency
At the heart of grief-driven codependency lies a kind of bargain: “If I can rescue others, maybe my own pain will mean something. Maybe the world will finally feel fair and others won’t have to suffer like I have. I can be the hero to others that I need(ed).”
This subtle bargaining shows up in dropping everything to meet someone else’s needs, staying hyper-attuned to another person’s emotions, or pouring out so much energy for others that nothing is left for oneself. Anxiety drives these behaviors, but grief fuels the longing behind them. “If I don’t help, no one else will, and this person will remain in pain.” Often, the unconscious hope is that by giving others what we never received, we can rewrite our own story. Grieving can be the process of releasing that hope.
Remaining in this bargaining stage of grief can take a heavy toll. It can keep us from moving toward acceptance and will reinforce the lie that our identity and purpose are inextricably tied to our pain. It can lead to burnout, resentment, and even physical illness. Bargaining through codependency can prevent us from experiencing mutual, healthy relationships where both peoples’ needs are met. It is a way of surviving, but it keeps true healing out of reach.
Grieving
If grieving is one path to codependency recovery, what are some ways to begin?
Name the loss. Write down the things you longed for but didn’t receive: safety, protection, nurture, fairness. Acknowledge that they were real needs, and their absence changed you. If you are particularly distressed about the suffering you see in others, try to name what it reminds you about your own life experiences
Allow lament. Scripture is full of lament, an outpouring of sorrow before God (see Psalms 13, 22, and 42). Lament is not weakness or complaining. It is speaking the truth about life’s injustices. It is the holy practice of releasing our sorrow into God’s hands, acknowledging both the ache of unmet needs and the limits of what we can do as humans. In lament, we are freed from the pressure to intervene in every destructive dynamic around us.
Hold symbolic funerals. At Boundless Hope, we have held funerals in our offices with clients. Not funerals for people who have died, but for what needed to be, what was hoped for vs. what actually is. These symbolic acts of mourning honor our ambiguous losses and give our hearts permission to grieve what never came to pass.
Practice the pause. When the urge to rescue rises, experiment with waiting. Notice what you feel. Anxious? Helpless? Guilty? Sad? Sit with the feeling without immediately acting. This “exposure” allows your nervous system to learn a new truth: you can survive others’ pain without compulsively fixing it. Over time, this creates space for healthier, freer choices in how you respond. It may seem wrong or unloving to step back from others’ chaos, but sometimes what looks like “help” is really a way of quieting our own anxiety. Healing may look like restraint, trusting that God is the one who carries what we cannot.
Release the bargain. Notice when helping others becomes a way of trying to rewrite your own story. Remind yourself of God’s redemptive nature. He is skilled at repurposing pain for our good and His glory. Sometimes the most faithful act is stepping back, entrusting others to God’s care, holding the ache, and trusting that He is present in pain.
Seek safe spaces for mourning. Grief longs for witnesses. Therapy, support groups, or trusted friends can provide space to express sorrow and anxiety without judgment.
Grieving doesn’t mean becoming less compassionate. It means accepting sorrow as part of life and trusting God to heal what we cannot change. Grieving also doesn’t mean you stop helping others. It means you seek God’s wisdom to discern if He is calling you to get involved. When He does, we believe that He will enable you to give from a place of wholeness rather than emptiness.
Grieving With Hope and Despair
Grief is not a straight path, and part of grieving often includes moments, or even extended seasons, of depression, despair, or hopelessness. We encourage you to sit with these emotions. They are not roadblocks to your faith or disobedience to God. They are natural intersections we must pass through on the path to an eternity where our faith becomes sight. When you feel hopeless, let your breath be your hope. Inhale and exhale, with the stillness of believing that God is holding you, and everyone you love, in His hand.
Not every wrong will be made right this side of eternity. We live in a fallen world that groans under the weight of sin and brokenness, and it is right to grieve that. In your moments of despair, go to God and let Him hold you. Bring your sorrow for the suffering in the world to the God who sees every tear (Psalm 56:8). Jesus Himself was “a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3). He understands.
If you see yourself in this blog, we are here for you. We are equipped to teach you new ways of responding to the anxiety that may arise when you refrain from codependent behaviors that no longer serve you. We can also share distress tolerance strategies that will help you cope with your pain. We are eager to hear your story, hold space for your sorrow, and offer you a safe space to grieve.